Love Yourself
by Forsakenfaith
Summary: Sometimes love just isn't enough. Sometimes pain is the only way to grow. Sometimes, just sometimes, leaving is the only thing you can do to stay true to yourself, to love yourself. Update plans in progress
1. Love Yourself

A certain amount of years - Flash back

"Blah" – Talking

'Blah" - Thoughts

Love Yourself

Sitting silently in the fairly large garden, her fingers were hard at work, surrounded in dark green gardening gloves. This garden was her safe haven, it was her home. She could spend countless hours just sitting among the petals and dirt. They have bared witness to her tears, laughter, and her gasping breaths. She created this garden with her very hands, staying up well into the night just to finish at times. This is where she came to escape the pain, the memories, and the regret. Here she was just Kagome; here all she was meant to do was help nature's children grow. She felt more attached to this small piece of landscape than she did to anything else in this place, this home. No, this was no home. Not anymore anyways. Drowning in self hatred and pity, she hated the way her life had turned out, hated all of it.

Well, not all of it. She loved her child, her little baby boy or girl. She had just been informed she was pregnant two days ago. She honestly didn't expect it; she was foolish enough to think it was a simple stomach flu. No, it was no flu, there was a baby growing inside her. It was one of the happiest moments in her short life. Pregnant, she was pregnant. She would have a child, a little baby to love, a mixture of Sesshoumaru and herself. It was amazing how fast her mind fell into the plans for her child. Surprisingly, even with those plans being made, she didn't feel like a mother. Sure, she got the morning sickness and such, but she didn't feel like a child was inside of her. She was looking forward to the day she did.

She had yet to tell her fiancé, and she didn't think she was going to. A sigh fell from her at the thought of that conversation. He couldn't even love her, how could he love their child? This was the main reason for her self-hatred. She didn't want to stay here. She never wanted to be tied down the way she was. With this man, this man that had turned out to be nothing like she had thought at first.

The largest issue wasn't even that he changed, that he ended up being someone different. It was that he was nothing like who he was before, nothing. If it would have been just a change, she could have handled it. If he turned out differently from who she thought he was, she would have seen it coming and left before it was too late. No, this was different. He completely transformed over night, and she had no weapon to defend herself from it. She didn't even understand why.

She remembered the first day she met him. It was four years ago. She was only seventeen at the time. Seeing his luring eyes, she was entranced from the first time their eyes collided. Collided, that described all they did now. Every other word out of her fiancé's mouth was silence. Now that makes very little sense to most people, but it was all too real and understandable to her.

Well, maybe not understandable. The saddest part was that the other half of his words was him saying that she can't do this, or she can't do that. Horrible dictations on how she should do things right. As far as she was told, she was a failure. Many arguments had broken out over how he treated her, but it all ended the same. He would comment on how she wasn't a good enough mate for him, and she would be left watching him walk away, eyes always blurred.

She was being trained on how to be the perfect mate for him. You see, her fiancé was the heir to a very wealthy and powerful kingdom. He was to be the next Lord of the West. As for her, she was to be the Lady of the West. To normal girls this would make them scream and jump for joy, not her. All this meant was that she had to become something completely different from what she really was. She had to change to, and knew she lacked the cruelty to do so.

She was no longer really Kagome. Oh no, she was Lady Kagome. This was everything that she had never wanted. Being molded to be this high standing woman, she never felt more like a liar. She didn't want to grow old in a life like this and didn't want her child to either. No, she most certainly didn't want this for her child. All she wanted was for her child to grow up in a house of love. Kagome looked longingly up at the darkening sky and sighed.

The worst part out of everything was the fact that she still loved him. Yes, she loved Sesshomaru more than life itself. She couldn't help but wonder though, if he loved her back, wouldn't that mean he loved the real her? Wouldn't that mean that he wouldn't want to change her? How can there be love if you can't be yourself? There is no love. The love would be false if you had to change someone to make loving them ok. No, he did not love her. He couldn't. It just didn't fit in with the concept of love. If the old saying was correct, he wished her to leave.

"Action's speak louder than words." She whispered the saying out loud to herself, the sound of surrender twinning in the words. Pushing herself up off of the grassy expanses of the walkway lining the blossoming flowers, she walked among the rainbows of petals, the floral scent filtering through her nose. Even the scent of flowers did little to ease her mind.

Kagome walked back to the now cold home. She knew he wasn't home. He wouldn't be home for another three days. He was away with his father getting contracts drawn up for the transition of titles and what not. She used to be interested in all of the legal issues of his kingdom, but not after he closed her out. She lost all interest in his dealings after he turned his back on her. It stung her heart more than she'd care to admit when she saw his back.

That seemed to be all that she saw lately. She could describe it in perfect detail if need be. Her gaze lowered to the stone steps that led to the large wooden door that was the entrance to this dungeon. Yes, it was a dungeon. Lightly pushing the door open, the tarnished stench of loneliness seeped into her mind. Moving silently through the hall she reached the living room, her eyes straying above the mantle on top of the fireplace, a sad and remorseful smile caressing her raspberry lips.

There was a large framed picture hanging on the tan walls of a happy couple. Their smiles illuminated the dimmed room and a tear abused her eye as she blinked rapidly to restrain it. The picture was of Sesshoumaru and her, taken on the day he proposed to her. It was such a happy night. They used to be so loving towards one another, and now, now it could never be the same. He turned cold again. What hurt wasn't that he was cold. No, what hurt was that he was cold towards her.

Her heart broke a little more every time she looked into his locked up eyes. His eyes should never be that locked away, not when he was looking at her. Every time she felt the scream building in her, her cry to understand, and every time she hid it. She might be selfish, but that mattered little in the scheme of things. The things she wanted were not too much to ask for from someone that is supposed to love you. All she asked for was love. Maybe it was too much to ask.

The love that she asked for wasn't even for herself anymore. No, it was for her child, their child. Could he love their baby? Would that change him back, or would it make the situation worse? She knew if she had to question it, the answer was already in place. No, her baby would never know the pain she faced.

Kagome turned and walked up the crimson carpeted stairs that led to the upstairs portion of the house; the pace of the walk slowing as she spotted five boxes with labels adorning their cardboard surfaces. Her bottom lip was abused by callous teeth as a flashback of one of her most precious memories assaulted her mind.

Three years earlier

Leaning into the arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders, she nuzzled her cheek into his warm chest, a soft smile playing on her lips. A giggle broke out as she heard the soft rumble coming from the very chest she leaned against. Tilting her head back, her eyes danced with amusement as they met peaceful orbs. Grinning, she leaned into him and caught his lips, letting her passion for him speak more than she ever could. The rumble getting louder, she broke away and began to giggle more helplessly. The giggles stopped rather forcefully as a squeak of protest was heard.

"Hey! Let me go!" She spoke indignantly, her eyes flaming.

Holding the fiery miko by her waist, the demon chuckled with false malice. "Oh, and what shall you do about it little priestess?" Grinning, he began to move his fingers over her ribs, his eyes softening slightly with her tinkling laughter.

Taking deep breaths, Kagome tried to get enough air into her lungs to shout her words of anger. Anger slipping away easily, the laughter continued to flow un-bidden. Struggling to get her hands over his, she squirmed.

"Now now Miko, that wouldn't be wise. I could easily drop you if you make me lose my grip." Sesshoumaru threatened, his fingers going slack, letting her body drop only an inch before gripping onto her sides again.

Gasping, Kagome's eyes grew wide, as she froze in her movements. "You wouldn't dare!" She said in a confident tone, her eyes twinkling in mirth.

"Oh? And what makes you so sure Priestess?" The demon lord said evilly, his fingers loosening.

Grinning, she leaned close to his ear and took it between her teeth. Nibbling on it gently, she spoke with a breathy tone. "Because you love me Darling."

A deep growl and lightning eyes was her only response, or warning, before she was brought to the floor with a very eager demon on top of her.

Present

Taking in a deep breath, she struggled to find her strength once again. Just because they were happy once made no difference now, it meant nothing now. She couldn't stay for that, she couldn't live for her yesterdays. Reaching down slowly for the first box that was labeled 'shirts', it was heaved up into her arms with a quiet grunt. Turing around slowly she was careful not to trip and tumble down, her baby at the front of her mind. Once she got to the door that led to the garden she set the box down on the cold floor to open the door. She picked the box up a little easier this time and exited the house.

She walked around the garden and continued her way up to her blue Ford Escort that was parked on the long circular driveway that led to the house. She opened the unlocked back door and set the box in. Multiple trips were made to get the boxes situated, sweat beading on her pale brow. Taking a deep breath, she walked to the driver's door; hand on the handle when she realized she forgot one more item.

She walked back to the door and went into the living room to find her house key. She forgot to lock the door and couldn't just leave the house unguarded. Locating the silver key, it was snatched off the coffee table that sat between two twin leather couches. Next to where the key once lay was a neatly folded up letter with the name 'Sesshoumaru' written in nice penmanship. It was her letter to him. It explained all that she could hope to explain.

She turned to go back to the door when a glint from the dying sun caught her attention. Eyes focusing on the culprit, she moved towards it, her reflection meeting her gaze. It was the picture. She could see herself and her old self in the picture, and hated what she was now. Reaching up slowly, she traced the black circles that lined her eyes. Hand shaking, she moved it to her non-existent laugh lines that she once wore with pride. So many changes had happened, and none were for the better. None of them were things to keep.

Reaching her tired arms up, the frame was grasped at both sides as she lifted it slightly, taking it off the nail that held it for so long. She set the picture softly on the hardwood floor and looked back up at the now bleak wall. 'It needs something.' The words were thought without much notice. Giving a half hearted shrug she grabbed the frame with her left hand, suddenly freezing. She knew exactly what was missing.

Having lifted her right hand, she inspected her white gold engagement ring. It had a heart shaped diamond in the middle and nothing else. She scowled at the ring and slowly took it off. Just barely reaching, she stood in front of the mantle, her body stretched out with the strain. With one final pull of her muscles, the ring was now on display. The nail complimented the ring well, better than the picture at least.

Settling on her feet, she pivoted and moved toward the door once again. She contemplated taking the picture, but it didn't seem right. It wasn't how things were now, so why would she want to have a memory of something that only hurt? A sad song she heard a few days ago floated around in her ears. This was the song that gave her the incentive to move one. It was 'Wasted' by Carrie Underwood.

_Standing at the back door _

_She tried to make it fast _

_One tear hit the hard wood _

_It felt like broken glass _

_She said sometimes love slips away _

_And you just can't get it back _

_Let's face it _

Kagome reached her hand out for the handle as her exhausted eyes resigned to letting out one tear. She knew she couldn't have her happy life back. Without the love, there was no way she could live. That didn't mean she didn't wish for it, dream of it. At the end of the day, when you curl up into yourself, arms wrapped securely around your body, just trying to pretend you're not alone, something is wrong. She was so tired of feeling alone when someone was there. It had to be better to actually be alone, right?

_For one split second _

_She almost turned around _

_But that would be like pouring rain drops _

_Back into a cloud _

_So she took another step and said _

_I see the way out and I'm gonna' take it _

Turning the handle and opening the door, she knew there was no coming back. The door locked and the key on the key holder, she felt the tingle of doubt creep up her spine. She felt like running to her car and bringing all the boxes back in. She could make it ok again, couldn't she? Just put all of the boxes back and pretend nothing had happened, pretend she was happy. He would see he was wrong; she would even talk to him about it again.

Sighing heavily, her fingers gripped onto the door handle. Would he change? Would he love her again? No. It would be useless to stay. Nothing would change. Stepping outside, the door was pulled shut behind her, the lock clicking into place far louder in her head than it was. Fierce panic raced through her. She had made a mistake. Kami, help her.

Shaking her head angrily, her mind screamed at her heart. Knowing she had to leave and feeling it were two different things. Closing her eyes, she knew it was for the best, it was the best for her. She could not go back to that. She would not go back to that. There was no way of getting back in, and she forced herself to believe she was fine with that. She was fine with never coming back.

The words seemed hollow even to herself.

_I don't wanna' spend my life jaded _

_Waitin' to wake up one day and find _

_That I've let all these years go by _

_Wasted _

Walking around the garden for the last time, she had to stop and wish them well. Leaning down over a Lilly a smile lifted her face, her eyes taking in the beauty before her. Gently caressing the petal her lips turned dark. She would miss her garden. It had been her safe haven for so long. Promising to never forget the wonderful place, she stood to move to her car.

Settling in her car, the seat welcomed her familiar body. Quirking an eyebrow at herself, she began the search for her car keys; they were located above her, cleverly hidden in the visor. Putting the key that was attached to a smiley face key chain into the ignition, a large breath was sucked in greedily. She wanted so desperately to look back at the house she lived in for three and a half years, but knew she couldn't. She didn't want that life; it was only making her increasingly bitter.

It was turning her heart cold, and she didn't want that for herself. Feeling a slight pang in her stomach, side effects from this morning's sickness, she couldn't stop the smile. She didn't want that for her baby either. Slowly driving on the circular driveway, she didn't stop once, even as she hit the main road. Eyes never leaving the road, she refused to glance at the reflection of the now blackening house in the review mirror

She was headed to her friend's house. Smart? Not very. The smart part was that Sesshomaru didn't know who this friend of hers was. She had met her in the market one day, and they instantly became friends. She knew she could settle there for a while. Sango understood her pain. Sango would give her a free bed and a warm supper. Not desiring more than that, it was perfect. All that was known for sure about her plans was that she wasn't turning back, no, not now.

SESSHOUMARU

Sesshoumaru sighed heavily as he drove up the driveway that led to his home. He had just turned off the radio after hearing the song 'Stupid Boy' be Keith Urban. It hit way too close for comfort. He knew he wasn't being the perfect fiancé, but it's how it had to be. If his fiancé didn't like it, she would have to get used to it. He was soon to be the Lord of the West. This is what needed to be done. This is how his father treated his mother, and this how he would treat his wife. She had to get her fairy tale ideals out of her head. She was going to become the Lady of the West.

Getting to the front door of his house, a clawed hand rubbed the bridge of his nose softly. It was midnight and he was so very tired. His trip had taken longer than he had expected and he had to stay an extra two nights in order to have everything prepared for the signing of the contracts. He had forgotten to call Kagome and tell her, but he figured she was fine. She always spent all her time in the stupid garden she had insisted on having. He indulged her and let her make it. It kept her busy anyways.

He put his fingers around the car key and turned off the black Mercedes. Stepping out of the car he walked towards the dark house, pressing the lock button on his keychain, a quiet beep answering his request. Reaching the door, he unlocked the deadbolt with an echoing thud. Opening the heavy wood door he stepped into the dark and soulless house. Tossing his keys onto the key holder he slowly walked to the stairs, coming to a standstill when he noticed something different. Sleep clouding his senses; he walked into the living room.

The first thing he noticed was that that horrible picture he had been forced to take was on the floor. Questioning it with his eyes, he stepped towards it. He allowed a soft smile slightly brighten his face as he looked at his fiancé. She was so gorgeous in this picture. She never smiled like that anymore. He supposed it was because of him, but that wasn't anything he could help. The questions came back once he escaped the hypnoses of the picture. "Why is this on the floor?" He asked aloud to himself. Gaze traveling up to where it should be resting, his brow furrowed.

Something was casting a shadow on the darkened wall. He reached up with his right claw and touched the shadowed object, it was round. Eyes narrowed in confusion as he took a hold of the object and let it fall into his waiting hand. Frowning, his fingers slid over the object, it felt like a ring. He walked to a lamp that sat on the coffee table and turned it on. The note innocently laid before his eyes.

Dread filled his heart and soul as he opened his hand and saw a ring. No, it wasn't just any ring. This was the ring that he gave to Kagome, his fiancé. Eyes widened a fraction as he felt the reality of the situation sink in. Arm falling to his side limply, the sound of the ring clattering to the surface of the coffee table echoed throughout the empty room.

Fear raced through his body as the sleep wore off of his now alert senses. Taking in the scent of the room, hers was stale. She, she wasn't here. She hadn't been here for five days. She left him. How did he not notice it before? The entire presence she carried was nothing but a phantom.

Sesshoumaru's heart moved a mile a minute as he crumbled to the black leather couch. Eyes became un-focused as he looked at the white folded up note, and the ring that lay forgotten beside it. He was dreading that note. He never wanted to read the words she had to say to him, not in this situation. If he read that note, his fears would be confirmed, and the fear was absurd in the first place. She wouldn't dare leave him.

Regardless of his thoughts his hand reached deftly out towards the letter. Lifting it delicately into his hand, he contemplated shredding it, but decided that wouldn't help anything. He numbly un-folded the letter and gazed down at the words written in black ink. Slowly beginning to read the words before him, he failed at bracing himself for the impact.

Dear Sesshoumaru,

I know this may seem unexpected and cruel, but I assure you that was not my intention. As I am sure you have concluded I have left. This letter is not to put the guilt on you, or to justify my actions. This letter is to simply inform and explain, if that makes any sense at all. The main reason I have left is because love is something that I cannot live without. I could not stay here any longer feeling as though you loved me not. I love you with my whole heart, but it is broken. I have no more love to offer. The reason we give our love is that we can have it returned; otherwise there is just an empty spot in your heart. You need to get love back to fill that empty spot Sesshoumaru. We used to be so happy and in love, and now, now we are growing farther and farther apart. You used to smile at me Sesshoumaru. I mean really smile, none of that fake crap. This house used to be a home, a home where I would feel safe. Now, it is like my dungeon. The first year we were engaged was marvelous, what went wrong? Was it me? Was it you? Or worse, was it your title? I do believe it is the later. You turned cold Sesshoumaru. You blocked off your heart and wouldn't let me in. You were slowly becoming cruel as well. The way you would criticize me for my ideas, the way you said that I could do nothing. It hurt. It all tore slowly at my soul. Then you wanted to change me. I was molded into your perfect mate. This was the last straw. Didn't you tell me that I, as myself, was your perfect mate? I am no longer myself. You always said that you loved how I was just simply myself no matter what. What changed? Why did I have to change if what you said was true? Was I not good enough? Was I not proper enough? Was I not perfect enough? What is so wrong with me that I couldn't be myself? Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I am sorry if I have ruined you reputation by leaving, or tarnished your honor, but it had to be done. Maybe someday you will find a woman who makes you smile even when you are a Lord. I wish so desperately that that could be me, but it can't. You will always be the man I love. I will love no other.

- Kagome

Sesshoumaru gripped the letter tightly in his right hand as he let it fall to his knee. She left, because of him. She left him, and he was at fault. Crumpling the letter in his ridged hand, he was forced to remember the first day they met.

Four years ago

Letting her head fall back, her laughter echoed throughout the cold space. She couldn't control it, the painting before her inspired so many emotions in her that she had no control, nor did she see any reason to have it. Smiling, her eyes inspected the painting once again, the dark aura misleading most to believe it was a depressing piece. Laughter once again made its way to her ears.

Slightly shocked at the laughter coming from the small woman at his side, he glanced towards her. Noticing the painting consuming her attention, his eyes roamed over the artwork. Not finding anything amusing about it, his eyes narrowed. It was actually a very dark piece, showing the pain and suffering of innocence. Was she trying to be insulting? Pivoting towards her, he waited for her to notice his eyes on hers. Finally giving in after several minutes, his frustrated voice broke through her happy smile. "What in Kami's name is so funny woman?"

Startled, her body reacted in the form of a squeak and a slight jump. Her cheeks heating, a smile formed on her lips once again. Looking at the tall demon before her, she gestured towards the painting. "Nothing. If you're wondering why I'm laughing, it's because of the painting. Such joy." She said softly, her eyes taking in the painting once again.

Confusion laced through his mind, he wondered if she was insane. No one could find this picture funny. The ignorance of people never stopped surprising him. "Obviously you don't know how to appreciate art, nor do you understand the meaning of this piece. It is very dark."

Tilting her head, she looked at him with humor in her eyes. "Oh? Tell me, how should I interpret this piece? Should I be wracked with misery, filled with sorrow and the darkness it seems to hold?" Smiling at the topic of their discussion, she shook her head. "No. The darkness is mistaken by most. I believe you lack understanding."

Shocked once again by the little girl, he raised an eyebrow. He felt anger course through him at the very fact she pretend to know more than he did about art. Taking a step towards her, a slight growl ran up his spine, making it to her ears. He was even more frustrated by the twinkle her eyes had when he gave her that warning. How dare she disrespect him?! His voice came out dark as asked, "Do you know who I am?"

Laughing once again, her eyes did the twinkling that bothered him so much. "Why on earth should that make a difference? We were talking about art and the meaning behind a painting, not your social status."

Forcing back another growl, he clenched his fists as his eyes snapped to the painting once again. "Enlighten me then. What is the meaning behind this piece, since you seem to know so much about it."

Smiling gently, her eyes stayed on him a moment before moving to the take in the same thing as him. "I don't know so much about it, but I know what I feel. The reason for me saying you lack understanding is because you attempted to tell me what I should feel while looking at it." Noticing his back stiffen, she let out a laugh. "Don't get defensive, it's a natural thing for people to do, even demons." She spoke the last part with a teasing tone.

Glaring at the woman at his side, he could not hold in the growl this time. Clenching his fists so tightly he almost drew his own blood, he forced out his next words. "Then what do you perceive as the meaning?"

Smiling gently, her eyes traveled the art. Taking a moment to get her thoughts in order, she began to speak, her tone soft and full of joy. "It's very peaceful. I know that when you first look at it, the sorrow and misery of the brush strokes enraptures you, but when you look deeper, that's not the feeling at all. Yes, there is sadness, sorrow and pain, but there is also so much more. The happiness of making it through all of the trials, the joy at simply still being alive is what you feel. Everyone suffers, and everyone loses their innocence, but the painter accepts that. He accepts the pain, because he knows it's the only thing he can do. He knows that the pain has made him who he is. It's about overcoming sorrow and seeing something wonderful about the fact that you survived. It celebrates strength and life. It is the embodiment of being peaceful with whom you are. Why would I find anything but joy in that?" Tilting her head towards him, her eyes smiled.

Standing still in surprise, his eyes locked on the painting. He could see that now. He could feel the darkness still, but the acceptance of it was astounding. Looking down at this little woman, he couldn't help but chuckle. "You saw all of that at one glance?"

Blushing, she let out a beautiful laugh, her smile growing large. "I must admit that I have been to this exhibit a few times."

Chuckling at her once again, he shook his head. Reaching out a hand, his eyes softened at her. "I am Sesshomaru."

Grinning, she slid her hand into his and squeezed it gently, giving it a shake. "Kagome. Nice to meet ya."

"The pleasure is all mine. Would you like to show me the true meaning behind the rest of these paintings?" He asked, his eyes taking on the bad influence of sparkling.

Laughing once again, she nodded and slipped to his side, looping her arm through his. "Of course! I've always felt the need to educate those who lack knowledge." Giggling at his growl, she started to pull him forward.

Present

She was so care free and open. She was wild, and yet so pure. Even her thoughts on the pieces of art the rest of the world considered dark drastically wandered the different path, and she saw no problem with that. She didn't conform to what anyone wanted, but he had made her. He forced her to become something even he didn't want her to be. The song that he heard on the radio sounded loudly in his head.

_Well she was precious like a flower _

_She grew wild, wild but innocent _

_A perfect prayer in a desperate hour _

_She was everything beautiful and different _

_Stupid boy... you can't fence that in _

_Stupid boy... it's like holdin' back the wind _

He had fallen in love with her for who she was, not who she could be. She was perfect the way she was, and he hated himself for making her think otherwise. He promised her his love and soul, and he had betrayed her. She had given him everything he could have possibly wanted in a mate, and he ruined it. He tore her apart with the cruel coldness that he had become, hardening his heart against her and forced her to wallow in loneliness. She had loved him, and he took it for granted. He constantly told her she couldn't be anything but his mate. She must have felt so trapped, broken.

_She laid her heart and soul right in your hands _

_And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans _

_She never even knew she had a choice _

_And that's what happens when the only voice _

_She hears is telling her she can't _

_Stupid boy _

_Stupid boy _

He had forced himself to believe that the only way he could ever be the Lord of the Western Lands was to be the strongest, he had to be the best. He had to boost himself as high as he could. He had to be the exact copy of what people thought they needed in a leader. Pushing her down to feel stronger, he knew it was wrong, and yet didn't stop. He had to control something, and he knew he could control her. He knew she loved him with her whole heart and would follow his rules. Kami, how stupid could he be?

_So what made you think you could take a life _

_And just push it, push it around _

_I guess to build yourself up so high _

_You had to take her and break her down _

_Well… _

_She laid her heart and soul right in your hands _

_And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans _

_She never even knew she had a choice _

_And that's what happens when the only voice _

_She hears is telling her she can't _

_Stupid boy _

_Stupid boy _

Why did he do that to her? He loved her, he really did. She made him happy. She made him smile. She made him feel alive. Oh Kami help him. How can he fix this? He always told her she was wrong. When she was trying to help with something, he always forced her away. He just had to prove he was right with his beliefs didn't he?

_You stupid boy _

_You always had to be right _

_And now you lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive _

_She laid her heart and soul right in your hands _

_And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans _

_She never even knew she had a choice _

_And that's what happens when the only voice _

_She hears is telling her she can't _

_Stupid boy _

_Stupid boy _

Standing stiffly from the couch, he looked around the room. It felt as if the darkness was closing in around him, and bringing the walls with it. He looked up at the stairs that led to their bedroom. For a split second he entertained the thought of this all just being an incredibly not funny joke. Shaking his head free from the ridiculous thought, the pain set it. The shock melting from him more, he fought with control. It was no joke; this was the unforgiving truth. He had forced the woman he loved to leave.

Walking up the stairs, he made his way to their bedroom. No, it was only his bedroom now. He pushed the door open and entered his now cold room. Stopping in the doorway, he just stared into the emptiness of their bed. No, it was only his bed now. She had left. How long did she feel the way she felt? How long did he make her suffer?

_It took a while for her to figure out _

_She could run _

_And when she did _

_She was long gone, long gone_

He let the pain and guilt swallow him whole and he trudged to the mirror on the far wall. Standing deftly in front of himself, he could see himself falling. Self loathing seeped from every pore of his body as he gazed into his eyes. His heart shattered more as he realized she probably felt this every day.

Shocked, he found himself shutting his eyes tightly to barricade in tears. No, he would not cry. Now was the time to be strong. Tears would fix nothing. He had lost her, no, he had let her go. He made the only one that held his heart leave. He deserved the pain, every bit of it. Growling, he turned sharply from the mirror to conceal from his own reflection the crystal that dropped from his right eye.

END!!

OK! So what do you all think?! I just got so inspired to write this! I had to! So please review and all the good stuff. Songs in this are 'Wasted' by Carrie Underwood and 'Stupid Boy' by Keith Urban. I do not take credit for any Inuyasha characters or these two songs. This was just edited. . It has now turned into a chapter story, so please stay with me. I love you all! –Akumi 3


	2. I love you

Certain amount of years - Flash back

Name - Change in point of view

"Blah" – Talking

'Blah' – Thinking

A/N Hiya lovely readers! Akumi here! I just wanted to say thank you to my amazing betas Mikaela, Yuzuki, and of course Hairann!! You girls have been great, thank you for all of the support!

Love Yourself

The soft click that echoed loudly filled his ears, eyes snapping in rage. Slamming the innocent white cordless phone back onto its receiver, he snarled watching fragments of white plastic scatter along the floor boards. Pivoting sharply, he began to pace along the floor, hands clenched as blood trailed after each step. Not noticing the cut, or not caring, he continued his pacing.

'How dare she?! Does she not know who I am!?' His thoughts screamed. The pure rage easily read in his eyes was far worse than he let show. Stopping abruptly he looked almost as if he had run into a wall. Words from long ago echoed in his mind, the soft tinkling laughter following them, 'Why on Earth would that make a difference?' Her voice mocked him. Letting out a deep growl his eyes closed. There was no way things could be unraveling as they were. It should not be this difficult. All he wanted to know was what the resent activity on her Master Card was and where it was used. He was her fiancé for Kami's sake. They treated him like an abusive spouse!

Growling even louder more blood dripped onto the floor as his movement began once again. That's what he felt like to be honest. It was the only way to truly describe what he subjected her to: abuse. Something inside of him ravaged wildly at the memories. Something so primal and basic raged within him, at him, with him. He had no intention of it turning out this catastrophically, but even he 

knew he was guilty. The judge, jury, and prosecutor made their decisions; he was to rot slowly from inside out.

It had been four months, four horribly quiet months. Four months in which he had never felt more alone in his entire long life. Raking a clawed hand through his hair, he refused to let out the scream ripping at his throat. Being cold was the only option residing. It was his only defense. Looking back at the shattered phone, a sigh could be read through his eyes. Never before had he felt this tired, this exhausted. How could it be so impossibly difficult to find one woman? Closing his eyes, two clawed fingers massaged the bridge of his nose brutally. His pacing began once again.

His woman left him. His woman walked out the door like a coward. How dare she? Acting like a spoiled child and leaving him a note. What in Kami's name what he supposed to do with something such as that? Burn it, that's what. A sinister grin spread across the demon lord's face at the thought and just as fast melted into coldness. He couldn't bring himself accomplish that task. All he had left of her were pictures, the ring, and that damn note.

That damn note that was tattered and torn by now. Too many waking moments were spent spilling over those words. Too many symphonies replayed in his mind, the words stringing together to form disastrous tones. Still, the note sat on that same coffee table, sitting so innocently in the bright sunlight, casted in by the living room windows. That damn ring was now threatening to dissolve as it sat in his fourth glass of Bourbon of the day. At least he thought it was the fourth.

Walking away from the small round table holding the decommissioned phone, he slumped into the black leather couch. It felt too surreal. He had become partial to her babble, her endless dialogues concerning her garden. One Petunia was wilting and she couldn't comprehend the reason why. How one Lilly was budding and the other Lily plant wasn't. Never showing the least bit of interest, he was still listening. He still CARED. She should have known that! She was his fiancée! It wasn't like he actually told her to shut her insufferable trap.

A growl so deadly and so soft poisoned the air as his eyes darkened. The guilt ate at him like maggots. Growing strong off of his rotting heart, the insects never ceased in their hunt. Nothing of his tarnished soul was left for self preservation. It was almost impossible to feed his lungs as the guilt grew to new levels. His own thoughts were polluted, placing blame in her innocence even as he was gifted to further knowledge. The fact of the matter was that he knew exactly what he had done. He knew he broke her slowly and with the most sinister ways.

He didn't go after her body, he didn't beat her, break her bones. No, he went much further. He attacked her soul and heart with the mindless lust to create something no one ever wanted. To create something he would never even dream of desiring, a mindless bride. Someone considered the perfect mate to a lord according to the un-written guidelines. No one expected the perfect mate, but for some unfathomable reason he tried to batter one out of an innocent woman. A woman so loving and caring, he tried to turn cold. No, he didn't just hurt her, he tore her apart. He ripped pieces away from her soul with each word. Surprisingly enough, he succeeded in damaging her without speaking a syllable.

Reaching over for the glass of Bourbon, eyes fixated on the rainbows the sun created by hitting the glass, the ring glowing. The liquor swishing gracefully in the cup, his eyes turned hollow. Taking a deep swig from the glass, the ring made a slight clink against teeth. He let his hand fall to his knee, the 

dark liquid making more of a protest this time around, the ring echoing loudly. Leaning his head back, sunless orbs closed, memories enrapturing his decaying mind.

Two and a half years ago

Walking into the dark house, words spoken from his father's lips swirled around him, wrapping him in a blanket of ice. His father didn't approve of the woman he was to marry, his mate to be. No, that wasn't it at all. What his father didn't approve of was how this 'little woman' was making him weak. Apparently he didn't know how to control his woman, the woman controlled him. Snorting at the very idea, he set his briefcase on the end table, beside the phone, and began to slip off his long black coat. Turning, he hung the coat on the coat hook, eyes blurred by his father's words.

He hadn't been as cruel as usual in his negotiation with other nations, said his father. As far as his father was concerned he wasn't lord material. The way he let a woman get to him, it showed the greatest kind of weakness. Repeatedly he told him how he should be treating the woman. She was merely a way to get what he wanted, nothing more, at least in his father's eyes.

After Izayoi had died of cancer and refused to be resurrected, Inu no Taishou has never been the same. He suspected that he wanted revenge on those who still had their loved ones. At the beginning, Inu no Taishou was behind him a hundred percent. Always saying he was a lucky demon to have found such a woman. As soon as he announced he was to take her as his mate, things rapidly altered, and not for the better. He was suddenly too weak, easily manipulated.

Letting lose a bitter growl, he turned towards the stairs, taking them at an abnormally slow pace. How dare his father assume he could tell him how things should ensue? Show her, her place son. Show her who the master is. The difference between his father and himself was that he loved her. He loved this little woman with all he was and she loved him the same. His father's tactics didn't end there though. Oh no, he went much further.

"Look at her Sesshomaru! Look how fragile she herself is! You chose a human to marry, and she isn't even educated in how things are run! How can you ever expect other lords to take you seriously when your own father can't? She makes you seem as a fool Sesshomaru. Stopping to explain things to her ignorant mind, letting her plead innocence because of that ignorance! Not only is she a human, but a priestess! You already accomplished becoming the punch line to many jokes! Lord? Not even close son. Things are done the way they are for a reason. Our traditions aren't there for fun, or for making history. You need to control your woman and become the lord you are."

His father's words battled into his very soul, leaving no survivors. In that moment something changed in him that would inevitably be his down fall, he turned cold once again. Kagome, the love of 

his life, the small shine of light that chiseled that ice, had no knowledge of tools strong enough to break this. He would become strong, and he would be a lord to be remembered. He would be a legend. He would not dishonor his family because of one woman. She was not worth it.

Standing in front of the door holding his world, he glowered at the offending wood. No, he would not go to her. He would not get into that soft bed and wrap his arms around her. She no longer held power over his actions. No, she would no longer control him. Under the influence of ice, he moved down the crimson red carpeted hallway towards his office. Opening the mahogany door, the gold handle frosty against his hand, eyes took in the darkened vicinity.

Walking into the room, he used light pressure to shut the door behind him, the soft sound of the latch clicking in place mocking his footsteps. Once at his large desk he pulled out the plush brown leather chair and relaxed into it, the wheels moving it back with the weight of his body. Moving forward, he leaned his elbows on the table. Lacing fingers together, he leaned his chin against his fingers. Frigid eyes took in his surroundings with deadly intent. Starting now, this very moment, things would change. No more would he allow himself to drown in her trap. No, Sesshomaru was not a demon to be toyed with.

Present

No, he was no demon to drown, and yet here he was. The person whom had the power to pull him to the surface was miles away; her back turned, and couldn't care less about his current situation. Well, he hoped she was merely miles away. Truth be told, he had no concept of where she could have gone. He contacted her relatives and friends, none had any knowledge of her location. They were as lost as him. Lifting the glass again, he cherished the burning accompanying the flow of bourbon caressing his throat. Moving the glass to the coffee table, it was set down with a resounding thud.

One clawed hand at his mouth; he gracefully took the ring off of his tongue. Holding the malevolent object between two long fingers, he twisted it in the light. Eyes narrowed, his fingernails began to grow and sickening green. A dark gleam emanated from his eyes as the acid encased his senses. He would melt her from his mind; he would dispose of her memory as he had done numerous times before with insignificant people. Snapping his eyes shut, a guttural snarl tore from his lungs, flicking his fingers the ring was chucked across the room. A soft clink was heard followed by the roll of white gold on wood. Making its new home in the corner, surrounded by looming furniture and tan walls, the defiant ring still sparkled.

He only wanted one thing from this world, only one. The simple wish was to have his woman back in his arms. It had been entirely too long since the last time he held her, since he tasted her. Kami, it had been years since he actually let himself love her. Yes, they made love, but that was a very poor 

definition. All it consisted of was him letting out his frustration. He used her body to find release and then went back to his business. Kami, he couldn't even recall the last time he heard her moan his name.

Reaching for the bottle of Bourbon, his eyes remained closed. Grabbing the same glass, he felt a jagged edge, signifying its rough treatment. Deftly opening the bottle, splashes were heard as the liquor made its way into the glass. Growling, he brought the crystal to his mouth and swallowed the contents in one swift move. Flinging the poor glass away, shards of rainbows marred the tarnished floor. The lip of the bottle met his lips, taking a heavy swig, a groan of satisfaction was held in.

He could feel the fire settle in his heart, the burning rising an octave as hell screamed at him, welcomed him. Inside of all the screams and horror, he clung to her voice. Her sweet innocent voice washed him in such a blissful aura. Her voice accused him of the most terrible and conniving of criminal acts. He should be locked away for the sins committed. No, not locked away, tortured.

He realized the first night just how bad he hurt her, just how bad he made her heart bleed out. Desperate for her, desperate for the love she brought, he went searching for her scent. He tore through pillows, forgotten clothes, and even the sheets of their bed. Heart clawing at his chest, beast howling in misery, he shunned the items. Oh, he found her scent, found it just fine. That's not what disturbed him, that's not what diseased his very soul. Her scent was contaminated by tears, her tears. How long must she have sat alone and cried because of him, for him? How long exactly had she been so distraught that her eyes emptied everything they had? How long did that twinkle in her eyes scream for mercy?

He had figured it out the night he asked her to be his mate. He had figured out what that twinkle in her eyes was. That twinkle that irritated him to the core the first day he met her soon made his day, because that twinkle was her heart, her love. She had such a love for life, such a love for everything surrounding her. She never saw the hopelessness in a situation; never did she let the bad things let that twinkle dim. Even when things were horrible that shine, that sparkle, it never left because she had hope. She had hope in everything around her. She lost that twinkle with him. She lost that hope with him. She lost that love of life with him, because of him.

The bottle lay empty against the floor; small dark stains splashed around it, the bourbon forever leaving its mark. On the couch he laid silently, one arm strewn across his brow and the other across his waist. Spider webs of horror sprawled into his mind, unforgiving traps of guilt once again. He could only pray the hungry beast wouldn't take too long in devouring its meal.

Kagome, present time

The light wind frayed her long raven hair as her chocolate eyes took in the sunset. Her hand laid snugly against her stomach, her thumb smoothing gentle circles into her skin. Closing her eyes, her head 

leaned back against the porch swing, the white wicker crinkling with the added pressure. Legs curled underneath her form, the chipping sky blue paint from the deck never touched her pale bare feet. She was staying with Sango now, the last four months spent with someone who became her rock. Four months spent so alone and lost, she was saved only by Sango. The strong and forceful woman had become her closest friend and only trusted confident.

The house was small, but very homey. It was painted in a sky blue, the deck matching, and was facing an empty plane of farm land and hills. It only consisted of three bedrooms, a decent sized kitchen and living room, two bathrooms, and an unfinished basement. There were bare wood fences encasing the small home, guarding her two Cocker Spaniels from the outside world. The girl was expecting pups. Glancing over to the deep brown dog, her eyes grew blurry. The dogs name was Sadie, and she was a very sweet dog, only a pup herself, in Kagome's eyes at least. Sadie laid in a black and white checkered dog bed padded with soft fluffs of wool at the corner of the porch, her belly bulging and laying against the stuffing material.

Kagome shook her eyes away from the site, settling once again on the sunset. One of the most beautiful natural creations in the world, the sunset was gorgeous. It's sad that something so beautiful is something that represents something so horrible. The ending of another day, the ending of light is what the sunset meant to her heart now. It meant that yet another day was over, and she was still alone, so horribly alone. The shell of frost would drizzle on her heart and squeeze until her breath was crystallized, until her very words were lost in the blizzard of hollowness.

Bringing her legs from underneath her, she bent her knees, cold feet settled against the brittle wicker of the swing. Leaning her head down, her right cheek rested against raised knees, arms wrapping around slender legs. Staring off into the sunset, she suddenly felt more alone then before. Sunsets were meant to be spent with a loved one. You were supposed to sit in the arms of your lover and feel such completeness simply by gazing at the dying sun. The sorrow of it was lost because you had someone to share it with, someone else there to help you see the beauty. She felt like she was betraying all fairytales just by sitting there. By seeing this breath taking site, she was condemning herself to the rejection of love.

Eyes becoming dazed, a sigh flittered through parted lips. She wondered what he was doing. Was he at work? Was he at home in the office? Was he the lord yet, or did that get postponed? Curling more into herself, a soft whimper was released. Did he feel so utterly abandoned and lost as she did? Did he miss her as much as she missed him? Memories of his eyes flashed into her mind and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to force the thought out. She didn't want to remember him so perfectly. She didn't want to remember the deep baritone of his voice, the cold touches, or the loving ones. She didn't want any of them.

Darkening along with the sunset, her very soul cried out in agony. She shouldn't crave him this much; shouldn't be so desperate for his voice, for his touch, for anything concerning him. She left him behind for a reason; she left him behind to save herself. An astringent laugh ripped from chapped lips at that thought. The very last thing accomplished was saving herself. If anything, she became the executioner, her mind sadistically enjoying the pain her heart bled out. Dampening hope for the future, she had nothing left to live for. Everything was stripped away, and by running, the hope began to form in its infectious way. Hope that he would come after her, hope that he would realize his mistakes and make amends. The surest way to fall is to hope you could fly.

Opening dripping eyes, the darkness surrounded her, encased her. Nothing was left of the light; nothing was left of the brightness covering the earth. Stars were nothing more than a reminder that wishes were for foolish children. The man on the moon mocked her with the usual joyous smile, but even tonight, that smile seemed dim. Shadows dancing along the walls, she felt no fear for the unknown. There was no more unknown to fear. Shifting her head, she rested her chin on her knees, eyes blankly staring into nothingness.

Did he feel her sorrow? Did he feel the throbbing ache that never ceased in its assault? The vicious merry go round of nausea swung her around too many times to comprehend. She circled life, had the opportunity to see all of it, but the speed and effects of the spin were far too much to overcome. She savagely dug her way into her own hole and let the world crawl by, refusing to suffer the side effects of living in it. Was he happy now? Did she release his burden? She recalled the times where she knew he loved her, but when she left, that love must have been gone right?

Shaking her head sharply, a tear tracked down her face, finding solace in a beaten grey sweater. Did it even matter anymore? If he loved her when she left, there was no possibility that he loved her now. One too many things have happened. Sometimes, love just wasn't enough to prevail over all the demons a mind creates, demons that are far more ferocious than any living demons. The demons that corrupted your heart and soul with truths too brutal for any one person to face, they never surrendered, and they never stopped in their mission. Their only mission in existence is to cause your own self inflicted demise. Once their claws break in there is no escape, you will slowly decay, and decay she did.

Decomposing pieces of her life, her soul, shed from her body in brittle sheets. With no power to keep it in, with no strength to carry the might of suffering, she could not stop it. She felt herself falling apart and couldn't bring herself to attempt the long and consuming task of putting the puzzle back together. There were no corner pieces to start with, no distinguishing colors, it was impossible to match the jagged edges with one another. Hope, how easily it drops you into hopelessness.

The sound of old springs and a creaking brought Kagome out of her demented musings. Tilting her head, she smiled soullessly as Sango made her way out of the house, pink socks shuffling against the peeling paint. She watched as Sango smiled back in kind, her smile brighter, brown eyes stressed with worry.

Sango made her way from the front door to the wicker porch swing, eyes straying to the dark night ahead of her. Moving to Kagome's left side she sat down on the swing, her weight sending soft creaks up the metal link chain holding it to the overhanging roof. Letting out a sigh, she curled her legs into a pretzel and leaned back.

Unfolding the large black felt blanket, she spread it over Kagome and herself. Glancing quickly at Kagome, her eyes grew heavier. She loved Kagome, Kagome was a very dear friend, but she was running out of steam. She didn't know what else could be done to help her dear friend. Her head falling back, long dark brown hair spilled over the back of the swing.

Kagome always thought that she had saved her, but it was really the other way around. Kagome gave Sango something to work towards. After the death of her younger brother Kohaku two years ago, she had been lost. There was no purpose to her days anymore. After helping to raise a little boy with a weak heart, it had become her life.

Closing her eyes, Sango knew that Kohaku was in a better place. After his heart had given out while they were waiting on some damn transplant list, she had cried for weeks, her heart shattered. They had been orphans and spent their whole lives in and out of foster homes, refusing to be split apart. As soon as Sango turned eighteen, she took Kohaku and gave him the care he needed. They were closer than simply being siblings; they were each other's rock. They made each other live.

She was only one woman, and in the end, it wasn't enough to save him. Late one Friday night, his heart suddenly stopped working, and no one could do anything to bring him back. He died and she was useless. The darkness of the night used to bring back those memories, of his coughs, heaves, and pants. The way he couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without becoming winded, the way he only weighed one hundred pounds at age fifteen. She used to deplore herself, despised herself to the very core. Why did he have the weak heart? She could have handled it better. He had more of a reason to live. It wasn't fair.

She remembered the nights she stayed up, never once closing her eyes, fearing the image of his pale face would sever her heart strings. That's all that was left then, strings holding her heart in place, unraveling, bloody strings struggling to hold her being together. She remembered those days she would look at normal objects and wonder just how it could be used to kill a human, how it could be used to kill herself. She didn't lose a brother, no, she lost her soul that day.

Shaking herself mentally, she refused to fall back into that. She had worked so hard for two years, climbing her way up a ninety degree angle hill with countless pounds of baggage, and was not about to tumble back down. She had fought with all she had left, and finally understood the reason behind why she was alive, and why Kohaku wasn't. She was alive to be strong for him, to survive for him. She was alive because sometimes things just don't work the way they should, and you have to work with what you have left. You have to make those strings become enough to hold your heart, and over time, they will strengthen. She still cried, still got angry, and still felt alone, but accepted it now. She accepted life only leads to death and it's something no one can change.

Another sigh released, she leaned over and rested her head against Kagome's shoulder. Her knees now curled up to her chest, much like Kagome, she huddled into the warm blanket. The night was becoming cooler as the wind picked up. Tilting her head, she looked up at Kagome with questions in her eyes. Speaking quietly, Sango asked, "What are you thinking?"

Startled by the sudden question Kagome's body lurched. Laughing dully at the reaction, she simply shrugged. What could she say? There were no words that would justly answer that question and not worry her friend further. The blanket was pulled closer as she attempted to drown herself in its black depths; perhaps suffocating would be adequate response. Taking in a deep breath Kagome's face was all that was left, the blanket pulled snugly to her neck. In a whisper, her words drifted into the wind. "I'm thinking about everything, everything that has happened. What could be happening, and what will be happening."

Quirking an eyebrow at Kagome's response, Sango released her eye's hold on Kagome and looked out at the stars. Smiling softly, her voice pleading for understanding, she asked Kagome her question. "Why do you bury yourself with your thoughts? What's the point Kagome?"

Once again the pungent laugh was heard. Eyes blanketing is sorrow, Kagome's eyes moved away, narrowed in defiance. The site that met her only strangled that laugh and forced it to an untimely death. Before her was the pregnant dog, Sadie. Peacefully sleeping, her chest rose and fell in a rhythmic pattern. Just as peaceful was her engorged belly. Not needing to remind herself to look away her eyes were suddenly cast away. That was the last thing she wanted it see, the very last thing she wanted to be a part of.

Heart jumping hurdles, she felt the impact of the missed one as her mind explored darker territories of her memory. The deepest location, as with most people was locked away, and for good reason. Certain memories and thoughts should never be recalled, they should never be remembered. When you sleep, your mind empties the useless things you saw the previous day. Things like a man who stood by you in the elevator, what was sitting on top of a random counter, things you will never need to know. If your mind was capable of such things, why could it not just burn the things you never wanted to know? Why couldn't you forget the things that you wanted to most?

Perhaps the reason was the fact that it affected you. The good things in life never harass your mind like the bad. When disaster strikes and it never fails to, you will always remember. There is no such thing as forgive and forget. That is a myth an overly protected heart created, trying to remain in the bubble of world peace. You will always remember and a part of you will always have a chip in its skin. A part of you will be forever vulnerable.

Straining against internal bindings, Kagome tried to form her thoughts into words. Glancing over at Sango, she couldn't restrain the indignant glare in her eyes. "I do not allow them to Sango; you cannot control your thoughts. Why bury myself with them you ask? If I had control over my thoughts I would have been six feet under by now, but I do not have the power to succeed in that. My thoughts taunt me and keep me a twitch of a finger away from the edge. The point is, there is no point. If I knew the point there wouldn't be a point to have."

Staring at Kagome with a mixture of amusement and distress, Sango didn't know quite how to react. A slight twitch of her lips answered for her. Body shaking, her muffled laughter filled the quiet darkness, pushing vehemently against the haze of anguish. Her mirth barely concealed, she attempted to speak. "Let me get this straight. The point is, there is no point and if you knew the point there wouldn't be a point?"

Anger slipping away with a blank face and blink, Kagome's own lips twitched. The soft sound of her laughter joined Sango's now released humor. Leaning her head against the top of Sango's, her eyes fell shut, her tinkling laughter still spilling from her lips. Kami, how long had it been since she laughed?

The darkness suddenly seemed a pinch lighter and the anguish a dash more manageable to Sango. Smiling contentedly she snuggled closer to Kagome, trying to show she was still there. The quiet of the night encased them once again, the cricket's notes a little too high here and there. Her eyes drooped closed, the comfort of Kagome's laughter hummed her the sweetest story. On the brink of a forgotten dream, Sango felt a drip of something wet land against her scalp. Groaning, her voice was caked with misuse. "Kagome, it's raining, we should go in." Her body protesting valiantly, she pulled away from Kagome.

The lifeless droop of Kagome's head cut through Sango like ridged glass. Dumbfounded at the drastic change in disposition, her reaction was caged in with her thoughts. Lifting an unstable hand, she reached for Kagome, her very eyes inquiring what stories were hidden. Hand connecting with Kagome's shoulder, Sango felt her entire form shake with uncontained sobs. Retrieving coherency, she gripped Kagome to her, arms wrapping tightly around the battered soul.

Sinking into depths of solitude, delirious eyes widened in dread, she achieved nothing with the fight to regain will power. Shuddering through the tragic sounds emanating from her very core, breath was a losing battle. Cornered by doubts and scenarios, she had lost the war. The death toll would only rise, the questions ate her alive. Voice ravaged by warriors of the unmentionable, she attempted to overpower the tears. "If he knew, if he knew the truth and I went back to him, he would wish I had died Sango. He would wish I had been the one to die." The words were uttered just barely, every few words scattered by heartbreak. Underneath the meaning was clear: I wish I was the one that died.

Frozen, Sango was sure her heart strings were weakening once again. She wanted to take Kagome and hide her away, lock her in a room where there was nothing but sun shine. All she wanted was for her friend to be happy, and that was a never ending combat that she always lost. This though, this went beyond being sad. This was death. This is what a person sounded like when they were dying, dying a tortured death. Choking back her own grief, her words came out sharper than intended. "No, don't you say that. You know better than that Kagome. You're lucky to be alive."

Jagged edges of the answers never spoken slashed into her. Ripping away from Sango she jumped to her feet, intent on running into the night, hoping to not make it back alive. The sound of Sango's gasp and the heavy creaking of the wicker pleaded her to stay. Reaching the top of the step her resolve wavered along with her strength, a pale hand reaching out to prevent her fall. Clenching fingers around a wood railing her mind screamed for control, her body didn't concede. Pain so sharp, so utterly raw burned her, barricades melting.

Her knees were the first to forfeit, the remainder of her body following suit. Sango was at her side, arms around her, supporting her before her feeble knees could make contact with the unforgiving wood. Gasping, her mouth fell open, eyes wide, her own consciousness astonished with her display. Shaking with more force, her bones seemed to bounce off one another. She had felt it snap, that simple stick that everyone has hidden deep within themselves. She felt the clean break, heard the echo throughout her entire being. "No more!" Someone screamed, "Please no more!"

Knuckles going white from the strain of her grip, gushes of water stormed down her pale cheeks. There was no place of solace this time, no place to rest. Tear upon tear, blood upon blood, there was no calm. A guttural and desperate scream swarmed into the star filled night, her heart was sacrificed first. Slumping against Sango, fingers were ripped across wood with a sickening scrape. Immobilized by the sheer force of the torment inside her, her body became nothing more than skin. A haggard plea for mercy in Kagome's shriek could have brought the heartless to their knees. "Make it stop! Why won't it STOP?"

Clinging to Kagome, her own sobs of misery holding her captive, Sango was lost. Forgotten were her worries, thoughts, and wishes. Only Kagome was here, only Kagome. For once she stopped looking to rationalize the situation, to figure out the best way to deal with it. No, all that remained was the angst of this moment. The suffering Kagome held in for months. The torment she only showed on that 

gruesome day. The pain she never truly let out tangled them both in a hideous tale. Gasping for breath, her words were hardly understandable. "I'm so sorry Kagome, I'm so very sorry."

About Three Months Ago

Standing at the disgustingly green counter in Sango's kitchen, Kagome was mixing them both up a batch of brownies. Just finished with adding in the eggs she turned to the waste basket, tossing the used shells inside. All the ingredients added, she took out the whisk and started to work the unappealing substance. Glancing over to the oven she nodded at the three hundred and fifty degrees it was currently preheating to. Attention back on her mixing, she smiled at the sound of shuffling feet entering the kitchen.

Sango laughed outright at the site of Kagome in the bright pink bathrobe, green slippers with the overly large head of a frog, and her hair strewn in every imaginable way possible. Shaking her head Sango continued to shuffle forward, her mirth not nearly enough to stop the craving for brownies now controlling her. Stopping right behind Kagome, Sango peeked her head over Kagome's shoulder and grinned. "Brownies at nine in the morning? You should be ashamed Kagome."

Grinning right back at Sango, Kagome lifted the whisk and licked the tip. A joyous groan came out of her mouth at the pure sensory overload the chocolate gave her. Tossing her sights back to Sango, her voice taunted her to enjoy in the sin of gluttony. "Shame on me? Well, I suppose I can't corrupt you as well. I'll have to eat all of these by myself."

With a laugh Sango snagged the whisk from Kagome and sauntered toward the table, pulling out an unfurnished chair and plopping gracelessly into it. Flicking out her tongue to let the sinning commence, Sango groaned much the same as Kagome. Loving and sweet, under the influence of chocolate obviously, she smiled. "You have no idea how long I have been craving brownies. For that matter, I have no idea how long I've been craving them, but it must have been a long time."

Sharing her own laugh, Kagome picked up the mixing bowl and moved to the cooking pan on the adjoining hideous counter. "All I know for sure is that I woke up this morning almost drooling over the craving for them." She spoke as she poured the mix into the pan, a spatula scooping up any abandoned drops.

Frowning as Kagome opened the oven and set the pan on the top shelf, Sango continued to enjoy the breakfast children dreamed about. "You know, these cravings I can handle, but did you really need to throw out all of my licorice?" Sounding slightly miffed, she leaned her elbow against the table.

Face set into a scowl, Kagome set the oven timer for twenty minutes. Joining Sango at the table, Kagome once again took part in her uncontrollable craving. "Don't even mention that word; it still makes my stomach turn."

Shaking her head once again at Kagome, Sango couldn't help but chuckle. Quickly overturning the ways to move the smallest amount, she tossed the whisk into the sink on the other side of the kitchen. Mocking the sound of a muffled crowd she did a joking bow. "Thank you, thank you!"

With a blank face a spatula was waved like a scepter in front of Sango, Kagome's eyes anything but serious. "I herby announce you as Sango Jordan!"

"Hardy har har." Sango's tongue made an appearance in a very childish manner before her lips set into a pout. "I can't wait for this to be over. I miss my coffee." A pitiful glance was spared for the coffee pot that sat empty for too long.

Narrowing her eyes Kagome followed Sango's example and tossed the spatula into the sink, the sound of a slam dunk meeting her ears. "If I can't enjoy the wonderful gift that is coffee you will not either. Those are the rules."

Taken aback, Sango leaned against the back of the chair. "Rules? Since when are there rules?"

"There were always rules Sango. Just because you didn't know them doesn't mean they weren't there." Kagome spoke with nonchalance, as if they weren't talking about the very thing that made the world continue to revolve.

Scowling at Kagome, Sango's lips deepened in their pout, her voice impressively dejected. "That's a very cruel rule to have. It's not fair."

Laughing, Kagome stood to begin washing the materials she dirtied. Turning her head to look over her shoulder, her voice was anything but apathetic. "I am so sorry you must suffer this way Sango."

Snorting, Sango stood as well and headed towards the living room, but not before leaving her parting words. "I'm sure you are oh mighty one." Kagome's laughter trailed after her as she took hold of the two leashes hanging from a hook by the front door. At the almost silent sound, two Cocker Spaniels came rampaging through the house, aiming for her. Smiling at her two babies, she ruffled the fur on the top of each of their heads. Latching the leashes onto their collars she opened the door, her arms struggling to contain the force of their eager movements.

"Enjoy your walk! Brownies await you!" Kagome shouted from inside the kitchen accompanied by running water and the clink of dishes.

"Save some for me will ya?" Sango laughed while stepping outside and attempted to gain control of her hyper active dogs.

"I promise nothing!" Laughter from both ladies followed the statement.

Shutting the door behind herself, Sango finally let the dogs have what they desired. Walking behind them with a grin, she still held tightly onto the leashes. She never got tired of her morning walks.

Taking a cloth to the last dish, Kagome dried it of every drop of water. Setting the damp yellow cloth on the counter, the task of putting the items away commenced. Sighing as she reached on her tip toes to put the mixing bowl away, her hand went to her abdomen. It had been slightly sore all morning. A smile broke across her face as her hand rubbed her stomach. Her little boy or girl was in there, making her life crazy yes, but it was still her baby.

It was still too soon to tell the gender of the baby. She was only five weeks and four days pregnant and that usually occurred in the sixth or seventh week. There was a heart beat already though, a beautiful and glorious heartbeat. She had already had a few prenatal examinations and a few ultrasounds. Yes, it was a little bit early, but she wanted to hear her baby if nothing else. She got to see the embryo, her child. She couldn't wait until the tenth week when her baby would have made some substantial growth. Of course it grew so rapidly already, never giving her body a break. She loved it.

Feeling another slight cramp in the right side of her abdomen, her hand moved to cradle that side. Perhaps it was just gas, which was nothing new to her. Giving the room a sigh of frustration she started to walk around the kitchen, hoping to alleviate the pain. After a few minutes of walking, the pain subsided just as the timer sounded.

Walking slowly to the oven, she turned it off and donned oven mitts. Opening the oven door, the delectable scent of brownies wafted into the air. Smiling, she bent over and grasped the edge of the cooking pan just as a severe pain ran along the bottom of her stomach. Gasping in a helpless breath of air her hand stumbled for the edge of the counter, legs weak from the pain. Her hand falling off the over door handle, it slammed shut with a resounding threat.

Settling herself gently on the white tiled floor, eyes clamped in pain, her fingers dug into the flesh of her stomach. Something moved inside her, and it was a demented movement. It was not normal. She shouldn't be feeling movement this early! The dreaded thought caressed her mind darkly and she refused to acknowledge it. There was no possible reason for that to be the case.

Teeth clashing together more in horror than actual pain, her eyes opened wide in dismay. Not having the strength, but knowing it was required, she looked down. Her throat stung with the force of breath leaving her body. "Oh Kami no.." her breath carried the shear horror of her heart. This was not possible! There was no reason for it, no reason. It's a dream, and sick and twisted nightmare.

Blood began to stain the front of her no longer purple sleeping shorts, the bright red darkening into crimson. Sheer shock set on her face as the blood stain grew larger, a puddle forming beneath her. Feeling something fairly large start to move out of her, both hands clawed at her stomach. Terror. Panic. It crashed into her like a cold shower; she lost control over her words. The sensation of another large fragment leaving her body forced her to lurch sideways, purging her stomach of all its contents. Tears blurred her eyes as she stared at the mess she created.

Suddenly the front door burst open and the angry voice of Sango filled the house, sounding slightly winded. "No! You dogs stay outside for a while until you learn not to drag people through mud!" There was a chorused whine followed by the retreating claws against wood. "You would think I would 

learn not to take them for walks after a night of rain!" The voice got closer as it turned teasing. "I swear to Kami Kagome, if those brownies are gone I'm kick…Kagome! What happened?" The teasing voice turned to surprised, to horror so fast it made Kagome dizzy. Or it could have been the blood loss, she wasn't sure.

Sango couldn't move, she couldn't breathe. The site before her immobilized her entire being. She forgot about her mud soaked clothes and her drenched socks. Nothing else seemed to matter besides what was in front of her. Leaned against the counter, covered in blood and the contents of her stomach sat a shocked Kagome. Seeing Kagome's eyes droop closer to shutting after each blink everything slammed into place at the same time. Running towards the phone in the living room, her face was set into a deadly look. Picking up the phone, she dialed the well known numbers, on the second ring a dispatcher answered in a falsified concerned tone. Sango could not have cared less at this moment. Her words came out rushed and terrified, funny; she didn't realize how terrified she was until that moment. "I think my friend is having a miscarriage! She is almost six weeks pregnant and there is blood everywhere! My name is Sango Adachi, I live at fifteen twenty-five Wallnut street! It's just outside of the Air Force Base! Please, get your asses out here!" The last sentence more of a threat as the phone was slammed down.

Kagome was about to let unconsciousness take her when she heard the word Miscarriage. Her head shook back and forth repeatedly, her eyes locking onto her stomach. "No." The word started as a whisper and soon grew into a scream. "NO! I am NOT having a miscarriage! Don't you dare say that! Don't you dare!" Her whole body started to shake with her rage, or was it the shock her body was entering, she wasn't sure.

Hearing Sango run to the sink and grab towels, she blocked the sound of water from her mind. She wasn't having a miscarriage. This was her child, this was her baby, her little boy or girl. This baby was real! There was no way it could be taken away so easily. It wasn't possible. A person doesn't just disappear like that! A heart beat doesn't just suddenly stop without any warning, it doesn't happen!

No, her child was safe and growing. In a few weeks she would find out the gender and get to see her baby's arms and legs for the first time. She would be able to pick which name to call her child. She would be able to start shopping for clothes, toys, and finally fill out the paper work for her little girl or boy's birth certificate. The ultrasound photos of her child's growth would be put into the scrapbook she bought.

An ice cold cloth on her forehead snapped her to the present. Disbelieving eyes met terrified ones. Anger filled her so rapidly at the look in Sango's eyes she could only make a growl of protest. Didn't Sango see the truth? Didn't she see this was all a mistake? Shaking her head again, the towel fell helplessly against the tile, her words were stuttered out. "This is all just a nightmare Sango. Don't you look at me like that! It's just a nightmare!"

Sango closed her eyes and fought the hardest she ever had before against her tears and still failed. Sorrow rolled down her face as her eyes met Kagome's once again and she took her turn in shaking her head. Her words were so broken; it was hard to disbelieve them. "No Kagome, this isn't a nightmare."

Kagome recoiled from Sango like she'd been slapped, her eyes wide. Quickly the approach of anger and fear fueled her to strike Sango so hard she fell against the cabinets. "It is a dream! Don't you lie to me! My baby is fine, my sweet baby is fine!"

A sob tore from Sango as her head shook once again, her eyes stubbornly and regretfully meeting Kagome's. "No it's not Kagome." Her words were whispered, begging forgiveness.

"Sango.." Kagome pleaded, her eyes overflowing with anguish. Again Sango shook her head and Kagome's breath caught sharply, her pupils dilating. "No Sango, please no. Please, please no. My baby Sango! I don't want to lose my baby! Please, please NO!" Her screams became louder and less sane as the truth was read clearly in Kagome's eyes. The baby was already gone. Her little baby was already gone.

Forever embedded in Sango's mind was the sound of sirens in the background that only amplified Kagome's screams of pure torment.

Present

Kagome lost her child that day. It was stolen from her for no cause. After consenting to a D and C, dilation and curettage, she was given sedatives to sleep. The remains of the baby removed, Kagome had nothing left. When she awoke, she wasn't the same. She would never be the same. Her precious child was taken and no one could answer why. The doctors all gave the same answers; they all said the same damn thing. It's almost impossible to know what causes a miscarriage. Shouldn't they be able to figure it out by now!? Approximately twenty percent of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Didn't they have enough data yet? How much more did they need!?

Her last sob broke from her as the anger faded. She wanted to stay angry because it meant she wasn't sad. It meant she could stop blaming herself for one moment and place that burden on someone else. Everyone repeated how she wasn't the cause, how she did nothing wrong, but that did little if nothing. There had been a life growing inside of her, a piece of her life. To feel that, to feel that leave you is a horror story no one can tell. A life you cared for, you created, to have it die inside you; no one can understand that kind of torture.

Sometimes when she was alone she still felt something growing inside of her, even if the ultrasounds said there was nothing there. She found herself rubbing soft circles on her stomach and humming lullabies, her mind still not accepting the truth. For weeks after the actual miscarriage she had continued to bleed and her pregnancy symptoms remained. It was like a sick game of 'let's see how much she can take'.

Feeling pregnant was a constant reminder that she would never be strong enough to carry her baby to the end. It was a constant reminder of what she lost. She would never see her baby. She would never hold him or her, never kiss it, never be able to rock it to sleep when he or she was cranky. She would never know the feeling of being woken up at two in the morning by her baby's wails. No, she would never be graced with those wails.

Kami, what a cruel world it was. The only thing holding her together died because of her. Another sob broke from her battered throat. Curling more into Sango, she felt Sango give her a tight squeeze of comfort. She still didn't understand and didn't think she ever would. Why couldn't she have died? Her child was the one who deserved a chance to live. Her baby, her sweet baby deserved to live. Her precious baby deserved the world.

Sitting on the wood desk in Kagome's dark room was a photo album. Inside was a lone picture of an ultrasound with the most complex words written above it in neat black letters: iI love you./i

End Chapter

Hey everyone. Well, this chapter was a long and very hard one for me to write. I don't know how many times I had to stop because I couldn't stand to write anymore, the tears got in the way. I don't know if you'll enjoy this, or find it good, but I put my heart and soul into this chapter. I am personally very proud of it. My goal with this was to touch the lives of others and connect in a different way, in pain. I hope it affected you all as much as it did me. Thank you for reading. –Forsakenfaith


	3. Enough Guilt for Everyone

Certain amount of years - Flash Back

Name - Change in point of view

"Blah" – Talking

'Blah' – Thinking

A/N Well, it has been a journey to get this far for me. Don't ask why, it just had been. Lol. I have many people to thank, but I will wait until the next chapter for that. Thanks for staying with me! Also, I'm sorry this update has taken so long. I have been having trouble with the plot, but at least it's here and it's extra long! Heehee. There is a lot more to come! Thank ya!

Love Yourself

Two Months Later

Honestly, he did not know how it had come to be this horrible. Here he was, sitting in an overly furnished dining hall, with his father, half brother, and his half brother's fiancé. The walls were a gaudy gold, the floors a velvet red, and there was a large crystal chandelier hanging above them, mocking him with its rainbows. Making him see the happiness and peacefulness he could never grasp, it was out of his reach.

It seemed everything was out of his reach. The dark wood table stretched the length of the room, sitting him at the opposite head as his father. This was one thing he was perfectly content without being able to reach. The further he was away from that man the better. Inu No Taishou's latest whore sat at his right side, slurping on her wine, used eyes clawing over him repeatedly, trying to stake her claim when his father tossed her aside.

Disgusted with the harlot, he could hardly hold in the growl of distaste. What his father saw in these women, he would never understand, and frankly, he didn't care to. Hair twisted into an elegant bun, the tendrils cried for mercy to escape her. A dress she obviously found alluring, only taunted him to lose his appetite. Hungry claws gripped the underside of the table, indignity making it nearly impossible not to clear the table and rip the pitiful whore to pieces.

Nonchalant eyes took in the site of his half breed brother, Inuyasha, and his newest accomplishment; if you could call that woman he was undressing with his eyes an accomplishment. She was pretty enough, but you could see the layers of makeup drying on her peeling cheeks and her eyes held the key sign of a gold digger. They were hungry, not with lust or love, but with greed. For a fleeting moment, he considered feeling pity for him, but that symptom of insanity passed easily enough. Inuyasha would have to learn on his own.

His half brother had a blaring florescent glow to his eyes, confirming his suspicions. He was blinded by love; he wasn't able to see the woman for what she was. Eyes holding a distinct scowl in them, Sesshoumaru turned away from the sickening site. Of course he wasn't jealous. At least he wasn't scammed by a gold digging heartless slut. At least he had real love. The word 'had' still beat him into submission after all this time.

Yes, he still missed her. No, the word miss didn't quite justify what he felt; he _craved_ her. He thirsted for her, was willing to beg for her touch, words, and even her screams. If only he could catch sight of her one more time, he would be able to suffocate in misery at peace. To be encased in her scent merely for a second, he would readily let the guilt tare him apart. Until then, he continued to fight, even if he was losing.

No, he did not envy his father, but his woman should be sitting at his right side. He could picture her perfectly. She would be sitting there, elegantly dressed in a sexy yet tasteful gown making small talk, and enjoying the mundane task. Eyes would be sparkling just for him; her enticing lips up turned in that seductive smile of hers. Yes, she would be inviting him in, provoking him to smile along with her.

Hand slipping into the pocket of his black dress pants; he toyed with the ring there. Fingers caressing abandoned white gold, his eyes drifted into the world of darkness, where only she brought light. Things hadn't gotten better over time. Whoever said time heals all wounds was obviously ignorant of something more than heartbreak. Heartbreak, everyone went through that at some point in their life, but very few went through their heart refusing to break. No, his heart didn't break; it slowly decomposed, black blotches forming holes. There's no escape from that, and time was powerless against its wrath.

True, he went on with his life; he began to go to the galas that were thrown in honor of him taking over. He entered the drone conversations of the inconsequential gossip concerning who was powerful, who was weakening. Not being able to bring himself to care, fantasies of her presence corrupted his vision. Memories of her laughter conquering the consistent drum of lifeless voices, eyes bringing the room to existence; they would not leave his mind.

He scolded himself many times, became resolute; he was going to forget her. A large part of him wanted that, it was a necessity. Getting to the point of burning her words, melting their connection, even as he was determined to do so, some piece of him refused. That piece was weak, quiet, scared, but it was enough. The quiet watered down plea to cease yielded nothing but complete and entire submission, and submit he did. That part of him, that plea, was truth in its purest form. Wanting to forget, but instead committing to memory, would there be no relief?

His father clearing his voice brought him back to the cold, vengeful glazed eyes dirtying his soul. Narrowing his eyes at the man, he was sure the raw hatred and abhorrence couldn't be seen in its entirety. Illogically, part of him blamed that man. Understanding he, himself, was the one to cause the damage, his father was shamed with the same taint.

Master puppeteer, his father pulled the precise strings, twisting him in a deformed dance. As the saying goes, you need two to tango. His father made sure there was only one player, solitude bringing no peace, instead war. There was no tango that accepted one player so he stood alone, in the middle of a large empty room, with nothing but hollow music and his depleting warmth.

His father contorted words of others, making him feel inadequate in the eyes of his associates. As he looked back now, there were underhanded comments made, but they were all in jest. When his father mentioned them though, they took on a dark light, the puppets falling into their proper positions. It all fit, so why wouldn't he believe it? Having knowledge of his vulnerable spot, his father wasted no time in exploiting it for his own purposes.

At that time, all Sesshoumaru longed for was power, and that power was put into jeopardy. Over taking his mind were scenarios of failure, of becoming merely a joke in the eyes of the people that mattered. He could not allow that to be, so he fought back, illogically. As he fought, he lost what he was battling for, he lost the one person that truly mattered, and he didn't realize until it was too late. One saying that was correct in its deceitful simplicity resounded trough him. You don't know what you have until it's gone. He knew now, didn't that count for anything?

"Isn't this wonderful Sesshoumaru? Inuyasha is to take a mate, and such a lovely one at that! Aren't you proud of your little brother?" Inu no Taishou's words rang out, his deep voice filled with pride, blanketed by joy. That pride was dark and foul, for it was pride of a gruesome deed.

Chin snapping down minutely, Sesshoumaru's nod failed in hiding his resentment, the eyes of his father lighting up in an achieved game of life or death at the sight of his locked jaw. The joy Sesshoumaru witnessed in those conniving eyes would not soon be forgotten, it was sure to taunt him the rest of his days.

Resting his fork against priceless china roughly, the crack formed rapidly, silently. Narrowed eyes confirmed a death sentence, gold darkening, freezing. Fisting the precious ring, he prayed for her to give him strength. No, not physical strength, he did not lack anything in that section, strength not to kill the demon and commit yet another irreversible sin. His sins already weighed him down, chaining him to the ground with such force he was sure he would break through, and when he did, he would never reach the bottom. For the bottom didn't exist for him any longer, he could go no lower.

"Indeed." The curt word was forced, but showed no sign of its abuse.

Inu no Taishou's back stiffened with the word, the word carried with it such promises he cared not to know of. He could feel his life shortening, lethal orbs staring him into quiet surrender. No, this was his son, and he would act like it. He had been right about the girl regardless of how annoyed his son got. She ran away at the first sign of trouble, and didn't even consider looking back. She was a gold digger; his son should be thanking him!

Inuyasha noticed the tense atmosphere when it threatened to suck the air from his lungs. Glancing between Sesshoumaru and his father, he considered what side he would take if a fight broke out. He decided on his father, considering Sesshoumaru was most likely to blame for the situation. He was an asshole; it was bound to piss his father off at some point. Shrugging, he jumped right into the line of fire.

"So, Sesshoumaru, what's up your ass?" Inuyasha's gruff voice brought four pairs of eyes to his form. A gasp, snarl, a choking sound, and a light chuckle followed. Grinning crookedly down at his mate to be, he saw her hand over her mouth, the gasp clearly originating from her.

She couldn't believe his stupidity. Clearly something was amiss. How he figured that question would solve anything, she would never understand. That wasn't the point here though, the hilarious situation was. How humorous, the family of the great Inu no Taishou falling apart before her very eyes. It's not as though she wished them harm, she just wanted the money, all of it. If she got a chance to view their end, then it was all the more enjoyable.

However, she wasn't stupid, and knew better than to laugh as she wanted. So, she gasped at the remark, and put on her horrified face. The distaste in Sesshoumaru's eyes told her he didn't believe it, but the laughter in Inuyasha's said not only did he believe it, he enjoyed it. This was almost too easy.

"Inuyasha! Is that any way to talk to your older brother?" Komika's voice came out soft and appalled, only slightly covering the malice.

Snickering at the brown haired, blue eyed girl in front of him, Inuyasha didn't even bother lowering his ears in shame, for there was none. Tilting his head towards his brother, his words were not soft, but noisy attacks aimed towards Sesshoumaru. "I wouldn't have to talk that way to ice chunk over there, if he wasn't acting like a jealous asshole."

A snarl broke from Sesshoumaru's throat, eyes becoming nothing but an honest threat of violence. Words laced with pain to come, his eyes never left his soon to be prey. "And what, half breed; could I possibly be jealous of you for?"

Growling at the insult, Inuyasha whipped around to face Sesshoumaru, his scowl lightening as his smile formed. Taunting, cruel, and shameless, the words infected his very breath. "You're jealous because my mate to be actually wanted me, because I am not alone like you, because I am loved."

The ending of the word was cut short as Inuyasha's mouth was slit with acid, the whip recoiling back to Sesshoumaru, blood splattering the air. Stinging and pain not having a chance to settle in, his back crashed into the wall, the force of the blow sending chunks of plaster around them, a hole surrounding Inuyasha, and a red eyed demon snarling breaths of misery and anguish stood over him. A strangled growl and claws clashing against Sesshoumaru's wrist was his only defense.

Only then did the scream of two females fill the air. Only then did the rejoicing eyes of their father lash at them. Inu no Taishou made no move to stop the attack, relaxing into the cushion of his chair, he merely watched with ailing fascination. Injustice settled quickly, an expansive pit forever growing in his stomach; he ignored the growing hole of the unforgivable.

Eyes growing wide as Sesshoumaru gripped his neck harder, claws digging in, blood freely falling to the floor, true fear struck him. This wasn't like usual, this wasn't what he expected. Normally Sesshoumaru made his point, flaunted his power, and left him be. This time though, as Sesshoumaru lifted his body from the wall and slammed him back against it, the sickening crack following the movement, he wasn't so sure he'd make it out alive this time as his eyes winced closed in pain.

Something caught his eye at that moment, captured his entire attention. The fear still present, regret wormed its way into him. Looking into Sesshoumaru's eyes, he felt the burden of mistake crushing him, ears flat against his skull. Something had gone horribly wrong in his teasing; somehow he crossed the line when he didn't even realize the line was there.

There was anger, yes, but more than he ever saw before, more than he ever looked for before. Confusion on how he noticed now was pushed aside by the sheer force of it. Betrayal, pain, anger, loss, hopelessness, anguish, and more emotions that words cannot describe were daring him to make a move. Winching again for a completely different reason, he let his hands fall flaccidly against his sides. How could he fight against someone who had nothing to live for?

He felt the blood rush through his veins, heard it roar in his ears, and suddenly there was blood in front of him, on him. He hadn't realized what he was doing until he had Inuyasha against the wall, fingernails making a home in his flesh, gorging on blood. The satisfaction lasted but a moment, the anger taking him prisoner once again.

He was loved damn it, even if it was past tense. He had been loved, and wanted at one point. Yes, he threw it away, but how dare this half breed presume to think he could insult his woman? To say she didn't love him was crushing the very core of her being. She loved, that's what she did. Desiring to feast on the blood himself, his beast snapped at his heals, forcing him forward. The half breed would die, and he would bathe in the life he stole.

The dead weight in his claws dimmed the crimson red glow of his eyes; the pity swimming in the eyes of his brother was far worse than he could have ever imagined. That pity, that semblance of understanding, concreted the situation, made it all real. He couldn't day dream his way away from that look, away from the burning regret.

Snarling, he tossed Inuyasha to the ground, not as roughly as he intended, but a gratifying crunch soothed his frustration. Attempting to regain the dignity Inuyasha ripped away with one glance, he flicked his fingers free of the polluted blood. Resisting the urge to snarl towards his father's grinning eyes, he made his way to the door.

Freckled with blood, his hand made contact with the front door handle, his father's voice calling him away from a premature departure.

"Where do you think you're going Sesshoumaru? Acting spoiled and taking out your frustrations at the whore on Inuyasha, are you a child?" Envy transformed the angry words into something so vile and crude Sesshoumaru didn't know whether to be consumed in pity or vengeance.

Not bothering to turn and look at the man that altered his life in a dreadfully drastic way, the man that was meant to love and protect him, he couldn't bare the sight of him. Speaking slowly, deadly, the meaning was clear. "You _will_ refrain from speaking about her using that word."

A dark chuckle filled the hallway, finally beating away all remnants of innocence, leaving the scalding sting of unforgivable betrayal. "Do not deny it. She left Sesshoumaru, after she got what she wanted she was gone. It's time to move on to someone more deserving."

The doorknob in his hands was reduced to fine metal shavings, his eyes darkening into a pool of blood. Aura flaring out, the rage refused to let him gain control. Feeling his father's intake of breath, the raw intensity of his strength was unleashed. He was inches away from a full transformation, and could only hope he brought the house down on the old man. Words encrusted so deeply with hatred, it was impossible to suppress the reflex of backing away. "I assume you mean the whore you have with you tonight, or perhaps the gold digger Inuyasha has taken? If your answer is yes, then you, _father_, know nothing concerning the word deserve."

And back away he did, his feet moving on their own accord, mind too frozen to monitor the reaction. Inu no Taisho was never one to back away from a fight, but a blood rage was something you didn't want to deal with unless necessary; and contrary to many human's beliefs, he was getting old. No, he wouldn't die young, but he was more than a few decades old and was growing weary in his fighting. Fear though, he had never felt true fear of a being since he was a pup, and his pup instilled it so thoroughly that his veins cried out in alarm.

He was no coward, however, and his unaffected pride protested loudly, forcing him into a position no one wanted to encounter. "Do not speak to your father that way boy." The words were released before the handler could lock the leash into place, face frozen, but eyes wild with clear appall. The air suddenly grew solid and his lungs burned for satisfaction.

Scenes of his father's death unfolded behind his eyes, actors contorted into taking part in portrayals of homicide and torture. Delighting in the ungratified screams for mercy by his father, the pleasure faded to deep deprivation as he slammed his fist against the wood door before him, splinters caressing his skin with a kiss of sweet pain. Strength unchecked, shards of wood littered the hallway and lawn before him.

Striding with scarce strength to see past the haze of immediate retaliation Sesshoumaru exited the damaged home, his abuse the only visible signs of corruption. Raw all the way through, his fingers refused to clench, there was not enough control to succeed in even that minute task. Eyes, holding hell in them, focused so intently wind would avoid him, he began to pool his energy around the base of his feet, slowly allowing it to swirl up his body. A white film circling his body, an eruption of energy was left in his wake, grass and trees leaning away in response. Stilling only a half second, the orb now encasing his body, he whipped into the sky unseen. Forget his car, forget the chances of being seen and reported, consequences be damned. He needed to get home even if it was an empty and cold home.

Inu no Taisho watched his eldest blur and disappear into the night with a complicated mixture of victory, relief, and anger. Narrowed gold eyes took in the sight of his broken door before a snarl echoed his retreating footsteps.

Kagome, Same time

"I can't believe you did that! You! Of all people you!" Chorused laughter accompanied by the thudding footsteps of instability caused by laughter filled the porch of Sango's home. The sounds of barking and scampering paws running off joined in with the obnoxious sounds.

"Me? What about you!? I didn't even know your vocabulary included drunken sailor!" Bumping her hip against Sango's, Kagome laughed harder as her arm hopelessly clung to Sango's to keep her balance. The five or six bags in her hands rustling loudly, she tried not to drop them. Their cheeks a rosy red with the cold, their breath fogged around them surrounding them in a screen of life's demands.

"It was perfectly justified! He so had it coming, grabbing your butt like that!" Anger was forgotten, laughter more enjoyable. Reaching into the pocket of her jeans, fumbling with the shakes, caused by laughter, Sango's finger finally clasped onto the keys.

"Oh Kami!" Sentence interrupted by another peal of laughter, Kagome had to concentrate on breathing before she continued, the ache in her sides almost becoming unbearable. "I almost forgot how to breathe when that hand touched your bum! Oh Kami, your eyes!" Stumbling into the house, the door clanging loudly against the wall in protest of their combined body weight, she almost fell over because overzealous humor. "I was certain he was a goner! I was going through our bank accounts in my head to see if we could make bail!"

Grinning, Sango became serious suddenly, her body straightening, the abruptness making Kagome stand on end as well. Looking Kagome straight in the eyes, foot kicking the door shut, her expression left no room for laughter. "If I could have had my way, there wouldn't be a body left. No body, no crime."

Staring blankly at Sango, reactions muddled and slightly shocked into silence, it ended quickly with both of them trying to support each other as hyperventilation was threatened from lack of air. Between gasping breaths, eyes watering, Kagome tried to speak. "He's going to have a black eye in the morning."

Before moving to the couch, they both emerged from their cocoon of winter jackets, setting them on a nearby recliner along with their cloves. It hadn't snowed yet, but it was getting pretty close, so the heat of the house was welcomed. Pretty soon they would have to set up the dog cages indoors, before it got much colder.

Making their way to the couch, grace was thrown aside as bodies met the cushions heavily, without mercy, shopping bags tossed aside with slightly more grace. Seemingly choreographed movements had both of their shoes kicked off and flying to meet the wall by the front door, four consecutive thuds trailing not long after. "I bet he'll have one hell of a headache," Sango's breathless voice, muffled by too many symptoms of humor, signified the slow calm taking over them.

Sucking air in greedily, Kagome leaned her head against Sango's shoulder, snuggling into her slightly. Breath coming more easily, her relaxed voice forced the home into a peaceful atmosphere only she could produce. "You know, I don't think I have ever hit a man that hard before."

The image of the man, whom was actually a perverted boy in their eyes, in the mall who decided to grope both of them burned their minds. Yes, they were both angry at the fact that someone had dared to do such a thing, in front of hundreds of people no less, but they had gotten their revenge. Kagome snapped back and punched the man square in the nose and Sango smacked him so hard he fell backwards.

They had just been looking at some sunglasses on a little stand in the middle of the mall, when Kagome felt the hand. Without thinking, her own hand swung, followed by Sango's mouth, then far more colorful sentences were screamed as Sango's behind was grasped by the man, and if she recalled his name was Miroku. At least he introduced himself?

Chuckling quietly, unable to break the surrounding warmth, Sango laid her head on top of Kagome's, her arm giving her a slight squeeze. "I am so proud of you; you're growing up so fast."

Sticking her tongue out as per her usual response, Kagome nudged Sango. "Get the popcorn, woman."

Nudging Kagome back with her shoulder, she rose from the couch, hopping over the bags. "Then you, woman, put the movie in."

"Which one?" Kagome spoke in a louder tone while sliding over to grab the bag containing the recently bought movies.

Popping her head around the corner of the Kitchen, popcorn kernels in hand, a blush lit her cheeks. "What did we get again?"

Shaking her head with a laugh, Kagome rifled through the bag, pulling out five plastic covered movie cases. "Well, we have five to choose from tonight. First, let's narrow it down, chick flick, action, or horror?"

Looking for all the world like she was a surgeon about to go into surgery, Sango gravely decided the fate of the night. "No chick flicks."

Nodding with much the same attitude, Kagome tossed aside "P.S. I Love You" and "What Dreams May Come", the sound of plastic hitting the coffee table finalizing their fate. "Alright, now we have "Death Race", "Wanted", and "Taking Lives" left." Hearing no response from her best friend, she looked up and realized Sango disappeared, the sound of popping and the smell of popcorn meeting her senses.

"What?" The the raised voice of Sango fought the popcorn, her head half buried in a cabinet as she searched for the popcorn bowl that kept eluding her.

"We're watching "Wanted"!" Kagome shouted back, already in the eternal struggle to remove the possessed plastic from the movie. Growling, Kagome dug her fingernails into the small crease at the top of one of the corners, eyes narrowed in a clear challenge. She had a bad past with these contraptions, either the movie case was ruined or she would be finding pieces of sticky plastic lining it randomly for years.

A loud "ah ha" was followed by a shout of "Sounds good", but Kagome paid no mind. Her attention was only for the object before her. Tearing off the plastic, its crinkles mocking her, she balled the garbage and flung it into the now empty shopping bag before taking on the conquest of getting off the sticky labels covering the area of the case that opened. "Really!? Who are they trying to keep out, terrorists!?" The shriek of frustration resulted in two very different reactions, more determination and peals of laughter.

"Kagome, it's ok. All you have to do is take it off." Sango mumbled, coming to sit next to her with a purple bowl accented in yellow flowers and brimming with buttery popcorn, her arteries would get no leniency. Setting the bowl on the coffee table along with two cans of caffeine filled cola; she failed horribly at keeping the smirk off her lips.

Glaring savagely at Sango, Kagome laughed sarcastically. "Why thank you Sango. That makes everything so much simpler! I never thought of that before!" Mumbling promises of pain at the sticking labels along the movie, Kagome tore off the top one, laughing evilly as it came off with no trouble. The second one, however, didn't turn out so well. Ripping off the one on the bottom, only half was removed, and the rest was a hopeless cause. "Sango, they do this just to torture us!"

Laughing, Sango took the case and shook her head at Kagome. "Watch and learn."

Ten minutes later Kagome was sitting cross legged on the couch, her hand greased with butter and reaching for more. "This must be a really slow lesson."

Growling, whether it was at Kagome or the sticker was unknown, Sango contemplated using a knife on the insufferable thing. "It's evil! I swear to you it is!"

"See? That's what I was saying." Kagome replied in a huffy tone, her hand snapping out and grabbing the movie back. Slopping the bowl into Sango's lap, Kagome went to work, Sango's eyes on her the whole time. Later rather than sooner a loud call of victory and a quiet applause highlighted the removal of the hated object. "I am so writing an angry letter to the people that manufacture these.

Sango humped in agreement, mouth overflowing with fluffs of butter drenched popcorn.

Looking over at Sango, a grin brightened her eyes. "I think we may need more popcorn."

Glancing down, shocked eyes took in the almost empty bowl in her lap. Laughing and scratching the back of her head, Sango jumped from the couch to get a refill.

Following suit, Kagome jumped from the couch to put the movie into the DVD player, eyes still taunting the inanimate object. Snatching up the remotes, she wasted no time in plopping back down onto the couch, just in time for the smell of fresh popcorn to start playing havoc on her senses. Taking in a deep breath through her nose, she let the scent twist her into the mood of girl's night. They would do one of these at least once a week. To just unwind and get a little time together without all the hassle of the day weighing them down was an opportunity neither one of them could refuse.

So, once they depleted Sango's movie supply, the next course of action was to shop for more. Yes, they could always rent movies, but where was the fun in that? Keepsakes always made life worth remembering. At least, that's how she tried to write off her movie addiction. Jumping away from the subject with herself before it could lead to books she started to set up the movie.

As Sango exited the kitchen she went and opened the front door, letting the dogs into the house for the night. Sadie had given birth to a litter of five about a day after Kagome let go of her emotions. All but one of the puppies was sent away with new families just a few days ago. Kagome asked to keep the puppy she fell head over heels in love with. His name was Yoshi, meaning good luck and joy. The small puppy came running in before both parents, scampering towards Kagome.

Giggling, Kagome reached down and lifted the puppy into her arms gently, smiling softly as she nuzzled back against the pup. She loved this little critter with everything she had. It was hard and painful to watch babies being born healthy, even if they were dogs, when she couldn't do the same. Yes, she was often jealous of Sadie, but she had the love of one small puppy and she wasn't going to waste it.

Sango walked back into the living room, feet scuttling against the carpet, bowl filled with popcorn and one huge blanket in hand. Plopping down next to Kagome, they both automatically curled up on the couch under the blanket, stealing each other's heat. Kagome smiled as the two larger dogs curled up below them on the floor and as Yoshi burrowed deeper into her arms. Without having to make a noise, Sango tilting the bowl towards Kagome, letting her grab a handful before digging in herself, their eyes already locked on the T.V., even if it was just showing the previews.

As soon as the movie began, Kagome and Sango's eyes met in a timeless duel, who would shut off the light? They always seemed to forget that one simple action. The curtains would all be closed, the popcorn maker set up, and yet that lamp never got turned off before the movie started. Moving with surprising speed, Kagome's pointer finger connected with the tip of her nose and stayed there, signifying not it. The rules were whoever got their finger to their nose first wins, and Kagome bravely conquered this battle.

Mumbling things better left unsaid, Sango uncurled herself, handed the popcorn to Kagome, and trudged to the lamp on the far side of the living room. Clicking off the light, her sneer was lost in darkness along with Kagome's tongue. Situated once again, they sank together into the tale unfolding before them.

Sango knew and she understood Kagome was not completely healed, she wondered if she would ever be. She smiled more, laughed more, and actually left the house now, but there were these times, these times where her eyes looked dead. It terrified her more than anything ever had, that look of defeat. She didn't know Kagome long or well before everything happened, but what little she saw she knew that Kagome wasn't meant to have that look. No, she shouldn't even know that look.

She knew that wishing and thinking about what should have been never helped anything, so she tried her best to stay away from those thoughts, but sometimes it was unavoidable. Keeping in the sigh, she instead lost herself in the thoughts of what will happen, what should happen. No longer was the past at the front of her mind, but the future. As much as she loved Kagome, she couldn't stay there forever. Not because she didn't want Kagome to, no, that wasn't it at all. It was because it wasn't what was best for Kagome, it wasn't what she needed. Sometimes she thought even Kagome knew that.

She knew Sango was worried about her, those times when she lost reign of her emotions and her thoughts, most of the time she could keep them hidden away deep in a clichéd shadowed corner of her mind, but sometimes she couldn't hide away from the constant jack hammering of the attention seeking heart breakers.

Then there were those things she couldn't even push off into the back of her damaged mind, those things that have taken up permanent residence in the front of her mind, her child and her lost love. She could not ignore those thoughts, those memories. Those tears, those fears don't disappear and never will. You can grow with them, you can deal with them, but you can never move on from them. People that say you have to just move on honestly can't comprehend something far worse than pain, heartbreak, all of it; the feeling like you're dying even when you're breathing.

As cliché as it sounded, it was the truth. Admitting to herself that she could live with the loss of her heart, Sesshoumaru, she still couldn't live happily. How on earth could she live at all if she lost her reason for living? It may sound harsh, but when she found out she was pregnant, Sesshoumaru was no longer the first person on her list. It irreparably broke a part of her, but she could continue on for her child. Take that away, and what's the point to it? Why?

The question everyone will continue to ask is _why_,and still no one will get the answers they crave. You will never get an answer to that question that will satisfy you if it is asked from your heart, because even you don't know what you want to hear. When you ask why you were even allowed to be pregnant just to lose the child, no answer you will get will ever be enough, because it isn't enough. It's never enough. All those answers bring are more whys and following those will only be more disappointment, anger, and pain because you can't accept the answers.

They don't fix anything; they don't make it all ok, so essentially the question is pointless. Still everyone will continue to ask it when something bad happens. Why me? Why now? Why not me? Why? Those questions will be chanted throughout history, and she wondered if anyone ever got an answer that made the pain lesson.

So, she settled on, there is no reason. There is no response to your cries of why because there is no reason for it, it's a part of life and you have to deal with it. She had to deal with it just happening because what reason could there be? Also, if there was a reason that explained it all, would it bring more pain? All she could do was accept what happened and get used to holding it with her for the rest of her life. Kissing the top of Yoshi's head, she glanced up towards Sango.

She hated seeing Sango worried, so she tried her hardest not to get lost in those thoughts, the only time she could in the comfort of Sango was during these movie nights. It was dark, it was loud, and she had her best friend. At first she wanted to simply isolate herself, but soon she needed someone there. Kagome worried she was too clingy, but Sango had yet to complain, so she would stick with the current situation.

Knowing she couldn't stay here forever and accepting it had been two very different things for her. Where would she go? How would she get there? What would she do when she got there? There were just too many things to worry about, too many different situations to consider. She wanted to stay in this safe home, close to her rock, and close to her dream. If she left, she wondered, would her child come with her or stay here? She didn't have much to remember, but if she left, would she have anything to remember?

Every night before she went to sleep, if she could sleep, Kagome would cling to the feelings of her pregnancy; the feeling of someone growing inside of her, terrified that when she woke that memory would be gone or dampened. When you lose someone you love to the grips of death, years go by, and soon you forget things.

First you forget the big things, the way they looked, the way their voice sounded, and eventually their face. After that, the little things stick quite a while, their actions, their little quirks, but all too soon those begin to fade. The only thing that stayed would be the pain and anguish of loss and it only grew worse once you couldn't remember even their favorite food. She had less to remember of her baby than any of that. How could she hope not to forget?

Some part of her kept repeating it would never forget, but she didn't know if she could trust herself any longer. If she forgot even the smallest of things then maybe she deserved what happened, maybe that was a sign. Shaking that thought from her crusted mind, she ignored Sango's odd look, and berated herself. Even if she did deserve it, her baby didn't. That she was sure of, the only thing she was sure of anymore.

At times her mind and soul would crash down against her heart and she would lose breath, and at those times she felt the most free. Not in the sense of being free from her burdens, but free because she was getting her punishment, punishment for failing. She knew she deserved the wrath of her soul or her mind's scathing remarks, and rejoiced when it was delivered. It was the only time she didn't feel so dirty, filthy, as if she had committed a crime too heinous to speak of.

Exhaustion taking hold of her still weakened body, her eyes drooped closed. Snuggling closer to Yoshi, she didn't fight. Darkens swelling against her, praying no nightmares would corner her into dread filled blankness, she drifted into a sound sleep, not noticing Sango doing the same or the background voices of a forgotten movie.

Next Day

Something kicked her nose and yanked her from a wonderful dreamless sleep, eyes snapping open at the intrusion. An inch away from her nose was Sango's purple sock covered foot, Yoshi even made a whine of protest. Giggling, she swatted the foot away from them, causing Sango to jump in alarm.

A fast intake of air and a groan sounded Sango's awake from her dreams. Straining, she moved her body from the curled up state it had twisted itself into, bones cracking in protest. Sitting up, she squinted her eyes, rubbed her hand over them, and let lose such a large yawn it had Yoshi and Kagome tilting their heads in unison.

Giggling, Kagome wrapped the blanket closer around herself, pulling it away from Sango. Grinning, tongue stuck out, she sat up as well, stretching and letting her muscles warm to movement slowly. Yoshi held carefully in her arms, she leaned down and kissed the top of his head in a good morning, his long tongue peaking out to lick her hand in response.

Shaking her head, Sango slowly stood up, the cold air of the morning making her instantly regret the decision. Groaning, she shot a glare towards the blanket hogging Kagome before shuffling off into the kitchen, grumbles of coffee stating her purpose.

Setting Yoshi on the ground tenderly, Kagome stood as well, a large yawn and yet another forced stretched seized her before she could move. Grunting, moving to the door, she let the dogs out before breakfast. Wrapping the blanket tighter around herself, encasing herself in warmth, she followed Sango into the kitchen, coffee the only surviving thought.

Pressing the on button after setting up the coffee maker, Sango took out two large mugs, one saying 'Merry Christmas' and the other saying 'Happy Holidays'. T'is the season to be jolly she reminded herself. Well, it was getting close to the season anyways. It was now the beginning of November and they still haven't gotten any snow, not that anyone was complaining.

After seeing enough coffee in the pot, she filled their glasses evenly, deciding they didn't need to wait until they could have full cups, they would just refill once they were done with what they had. It was just one of those mornings. Brining the cups to the table, she plopped down in the chair across from Kagome, sliding her cup towards her.

Moaning in thanks as the smell wafted towards her, Kagome instantly reached for the cream and sugar. Filling her coffee with an overly generous amount of cream and sugar, Kagome mixed it in until it was a light brown. Smiling, she cupped the mug and lifted it to her nose, closing her eyes and taking in the warming scent before taking a sip of the steaming liquid.

Sango only added in a little cream, taking her coffee almost black, and took a larger sip, letting the heat run down her throat with an answering moan. Finishing her cup, she reached her hand out and took the mug Kagome placed in it before moving to get a refill.

Sending a promising glance towards the coffee maker, Kagome got up and headed to the front door to let the dogs in. Seconds later, the sound of running dogs filled the house that felt a lot warmer than a few minutes ago. Headed towards the kitchen once again, Kagome's mind only thought of the coffee, but it would have to wait.

Opening a cabinet next to the dog bowls, Kagome heaved a huge dog food bag from it, grunting with the exertion. Tipping the bag over each bowl, she filled them to the top with each one, putting the bag back with a little less trouble. After filling the water dishes, she jumped away from the seemingly starving dogs with a giggle.

She was back at the table before anyone could blink, coffee mug in hand, already started on mixing her perfect drink. Taking a large sip, the coffee somehow relaxed every one of her muscles as it traveled down her throat. Finally sedated enough to speak, Kagome smiled at Sango, her relaxed tone melting into the scent of coffee. "Good morning."

Smiling in return, Sango took a long gulp of her drink before answering. "Morning."

Reaching her hand out, she took the offered cup before Sango asked, and stood to get more refills, anything less than three cups wasn't enough. Returning with the cups, the coffee pot refilled, she handed Sango's cup to her before getting to work on remaking her mixture. While stirring in the cream and sugar, Kagome asked the ritualistic question. "So, what are you making this morning?"

As a typical response everyday it was Sango's turn to cook, she scowled at Kagome. "It's your turn to cook."

Scowling back over the ridge of her coffee cup, Kagome took another drink before answering. "No, I cooked eggs yesterday, it's your turn and you know it."

Groaning, Sango attempted to hide behind her hands, knowing it wasn't working, she took her coffee with her and got up to begin cooking. "Fine, but all you're getting today is instant pancakes."

Shrugging, Kagome pried her fingers from the mug to reach down and pick up Yoshi who was nuzzling her feet to get noticed, having finished his breakfast. "Sounds good to me." Spending her time petting Yoshi and playing with him, her giggles contrasted drastically with the sounds of sizzling and pots clanging together.

Not long after the decision, the food was done and Sango was serving steaming pancakes onto their plates, Kagome having set them out along with two cups of milk. Syrup and butter was also set in the middle of the table along with extra napkins. Horrible things always happened when syrup was involved.

Smiling brightly, Kagome drenched her pancakes in butter and syrup, her knife and fork tearing at the bread like food. Taking a healthy chunk and sticking it in her mouth, another moan sounded her happiness. "So good Sango."

Laughing, Sango only added a dollop of butter and just enough syrup before taking her own bite. Eating in silence, air growing heavy, Sango knew it was her fault. Ever since she started making coffee, she'd been trying to figure out how to bring up a sensitive subject. She wanted Kagome to go back, she wanted Kagome to try. If it didn't work, then it would never be brought up again. She just needed her to try.

Staring at Sango, Kagome tried to guess what was wrong before Sango broke from the tense atmosphere. Chewing a mouth full of warm pancakes, she couldn't figure it out. Sango usually said what was on her mind. The only time she didn't was if it would hurt someone she cared about, and that's what scared her. It had to be something serious. Sighing, her fingers twitched to hold Yoshi, her safety blanket. Of course he was much more than that, but she realized that was one of the main things he was to her. She loved him, and he held her together.

Almost finished with her first helping, Sango finally spoke, startling Kagome out of her thoughts. She couldn't have heard right, there was no possibility she heard right. Shaking her head, giving Sango an odd look and an apologetic smile, she laughed a strained laugh. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that right. What?"

Sighing, Sango refused to give up and kept her eyes locked on Kagome. "I want you to go back to him."

Staring blankly at Sango, Kagome couldn't even form the sentence in her mind, the words not making sense together anymore. Blinking, she stuttered out a confused sounding question. "You want me to what and with who?"

Feeling guilt begin to add weights onto her shoulders, she did her best to shrug it off, remembering she was doing this for Kagome's best interests. "I want you to go ba.."

"I heard what you said!" Kagome suddenly gasped, her eyes wide with horror and confusion, fork limply hanging from her fingers. "_Why?_"

Leaning slightly across the table, Sango touched Kagome's hand that was settled against the top, never losing eyes contact. "Because it's what's best for you Kagome. You miss him, you love him, you need him, and you want to. You know it's what's for the best."

Snapping her hand back from Sango's, anger fueled by misunderstanding, Kagome glared at Sango. "If you wanted me to leave you could have just said so."

"Kagome, don't even start that. You know I don't want you to leave, I love you and you know that. I just don't want to wake up years from now knowing I could have helped you be happy and didn't because I was too scared to say anything. You know I'm right even if you won't admit it." Sango said softly, but confidently, her argument not detoured by Kagome's cold reactions.

Leaning close to Sango, her tone mocking, eyes narrowed. "I left him for a reason Sango."

"People change Kagome," Sango said with a soft sigh, her eyes drifting downwards. It's not really that people change, but more things change people. Kagome changed.

"That's the point isn't it?" Kagome snapped back, lashing out in her distress. She didn't know what emotion to pick or how to cling onto a thought long enough to make it have any relevance. Everything was so jumbled and moving too fast to read, to make sense of.

"Yes, yes it is. If he changed before, how do you know he didn't change back? How do you know he didn't see what he did and misses you? How do you know he doesn't feel the loss you do?" Sango asked in a determined tone, growing braver with each syllable.

Not thinking about her answer, not keeping her heart in check, her voice came out in a pleading, harsh sound. "Because he doesn't know what I do Sango! He doesn't know!"

Feeling pain and sympathy threatening to make her cave in and forget the idea, Sango fought to hold onto reason. "All the more reason to go back! He deserves to know Kagome, and you need to tell him. You will never find peace until you do, and you know that."

Closing her eyes tightly, Kagome argued within herself, her thoughts still lost. Opposing reasons blurred and she couldn't locate steady ground to plant her feet. Heart beating in frenzy, words came out without thought and without a filter, they were simply raw emotions. "And then what? Then he can leave me? Will I be happy and find peace once he blames me for it? Will I find my serenity after he sends me out on my rear? Will I be happy once he knows I killed his child!?"

Growling, Sango reached across the table and grasped Kagome's chin so fast her glass of milk tipped over, spilling cold murky liquid from the table top to the floor. Locking her eyes with Kagome's, she didn't waver once. "Don't you _dare_ say that, not around me. I know I can't say anything to make you see the truth, but I will _not_ tolerate lies being spoken to me."

Not being able to keep the eye contact, Kagome looked down at Yoshi, eyes blurring with tears she didn't want to shed anymore. She was so sick of crying. It felt like that's all she did anymore, it got so tiring. Taking in a deep breath of air, the hand left her chin was replaced by two arms around her shoulders. Leaning her head against Sango's, eyes closed, Kagome let out a sigh. "I just don't think I can handle it if he looks at me with those eyes, eyes that condemn you."

Shaking her head, Sango gave Kagome a squeeze, offering what comfort she could. "Kagome, you know him, before he changed, you knew him through and through. Regardless of what you believe, he does love you, and knowing that, knowing him, would he blame you?"

Feeling little of the weight on her heart lesson, she sighed, eyes opening to stare at the wall before her. "No, he'd blame himself."

"Then it will be a circle of self blame." Sango teased lightly, releasing Kagome from her hold, coming to stand at Kagome's side, looking down at her. "You have to do this, you have to try."

Letting lose her biggest sigh yet, Kagome lifted her hands and covered her eyes, rubbing her face gently to stop the oncoming headache. "I know Sango, I know." Abruptly, she stood from her chair, reached down and picked up Yoshi before walking out of the kitchen.

Confused and worried, Sango followed her down the hallway and into her room. "What are you doing?"

Setting Yoshi down on her bed, she turned to the closet and opened it, pulling out a large duffle bag. "I'm getting packed, well, I'm packing some stuff."

"Kagome, I didn't say right away," Sango reasoned, worried her friend was in shock.

"If I don't do it now, I never will Sango. I will spend all my time talking myself out of this," Kagome answered while pulling sweatshirts and sweatpants from the closet first. Actually, she had talked herself out of it from the day of the miscarriage. She had been planning to go back and tell him for months, but kept postponing the date, fears getting the better of her. The reason she didn't put up a big fight with Sango was because she knew it was for the best.

Fears soared through her, but she would not give in this time. Fear could either suffocate you or feed you. She decided at this very moment that it would feed her. She would suck her resolve from the very core of the fear, starving it, slowly, but still starving it. It had only been months since she left, either things didn't change at all or they changed beyond recognition, she couldn't decide which would be better.

The darker side of her, which had become far more noticeable than ever before, said it was a mistake. It sent her mind into overdrive with scenes of his abhorrence, of his hate. The way his eyes would be cold, but would melt just enough to show the burning disgust of her, she didn't know if she could take it.

The lighter side, the cursed hopeful side ravaged her heart with the free falling feeling of things working out, of him taking her in his arms and holding her as she spilled everything. He would kiss her forehead and whisper words of comfort, telling her it wasn't her fault. She almost hated this side more, despised it with everything she had. If she didn't hope she couldn't be let down, she wouldn't be hurt.

A soft whine pulled her from her thoughts as she zipped up the bag, having filled it to the brim with all she could need. She knew it was getting cold, and she wanted to be prepared if she ended up staying there. Again, the hope made this choice for her and the sight of the bag almost caused her throat to close with agonizing worry.

Looking down, she saw Yoshi fumbling to climb on top of her bag. Heart sinking, she sat on the bed and filled her arms with her little fur ball. "Oh Yoshi, I'm so sorry." Kissing the top of his head, she nuzzled her cheek against him. She didn't want to leave him behind, but it was too long of a drive and the weather scared her too much to chance it. She would be back, never would she forget Yoshi.

Whining in protest, he somehow knew she was leaving and he couldn't come. Burrowing into her arms, he licked her chin, sad puppy eyes attempting to change her mind. Smiling sadly, she kissed his nose before looking up at Sango. "You'll take good care of him." It wasn't a question, she knew Sango would.

Nodding, she took Yoshi from Kagome's shaking hands and cradled him in her own arms. Sighing as Kagome grabbed her bag and left the room she followed after her, worry controlling her. She was confused. Part of her regretted saying anything, but the other part knew it was the right thing to do and would not apologize for it. She knew the second part was right, even if it hurt to admit. "You'll be careful." It wasn't a question, it was a demand.

Straining to smile, Kagome zipped her Jacket after putting her shoes on, slipped her gloves on, and picked up her bag once more. Not knowing what to say, Kagome ruffled the fur on Yoshi's head, leaned over and kissed Sango's cheek, and exited the house without a second look. If she looked back, thought too much about it, she would never make it to her car.

One Hour Later

She was getting close, too close. The road was beginning to twist in the familiar way, the signs showing well known words and numbers. With each passing second, the fear began to build into full blown panic. Eyes shifting rapidly around the surrounding area, teeth gnawing on her lips, and fingers gripping the steering wheel so hard her knuckles were beginning to swell.

This was a stupid idea, the most ridiculous idea she had ever had. She was right when she convinced herself to not go; she was right in never wanting to tell him. Kami, what was she doing? He would turn her away; he would open the door and slam it in her face once he saw her. Heart break was what she was setting herself up for, and she knew it.

Fingers twitching on the steering wheel, she couldn't find the strength to breathe, let alone turn down the heat. She had been sweating and suffering in the heat for the last half hour, but couldn't find enough energy to turn it off. All she could think about was what she was going to do in the next fifteen minutes. What would she say? How would she even begin?

She couldn't even seem to hold onto the reason for leaving anymore, it all seemed to minimal compared to everything else that happened in the last months. Would he understand? Did he change back? Did he regret the way he acted towards her? Even if he did, would that be enough to make him not kill her when she told him the truth?

Smashing her foot against the brake pedal, the tires locked and the car skidded to a jarring stop. She couldn't go through with it, no way. It was pointless. They were already broken apart, what would adding more pain into the mix do to help anything? Why go back now? Why go back to only hurt him, to hurt them.

The answer was easy, but buried under barriers she didn't even know she had. She loved him, that's why. Love is selfish, insane, and uncontrollable. A person would hurt someone out of love and not be able to stop themselves. People would like to think if you loved someone truly that you would never hurt them, but that is not love. Love is getting hurt and still loving the person who hurt you. Love is doing everything and anything you can to stay with the person you love, and she loved him.

Sighing, she clenched her eyes closed, letting the waves of worry, fear, and doubt crash against her barriers, taking pieces with them as they drifted back, only to gain more power and slam against them again. Silent with seemingly the weight of the world on her shoulders, Kagome pressed her foot back on the gas.

She didn't know if it would work, she didn't know if it wouldn't. As desperately as she tried not to fall into hoping it would work out, she still fantasized it would. Dreaded warmth filling her veins at the thought of his arms once again surrounding her, she missed him.

Explosions of panic blurred her vision as she pulled into the driveway to the house. She had to keep reminding herself it wasn't her house anymore. It all felt so familiar, and yet, so very wrong. It wasn't hers anymore and there was something so disturbing about that fact.

A passing thought stilled her so suddenly she almost reversed and sped away. What if he had a woman over? What if he found someone else? She cursed herself for not thinking of the possibility sooner. He could have found someone else in six months. That was half of a year for Kami's sake. People have to move on eventually.

Still the car moved forward, unable to turn back now that she saw the front door before her. Pulling to a stop, she noticed his car wasn't there. Perhaps he wasn't home? Why didn't she think of that possibility before either? Of course he wasn't going to just magically be home because she decided to drop by for a visit. The sarcasm of her own mind burned her. Shaking her head, she decided it didn't matter, she would check regardless.

Turning off the car, the thought of checking was a lot easier said than done. Sitting in the eerily silent car, her eyes never left the front door. What if he wouldn't even let her in? What if he saw her coming and just locked the door without answering? What would she do? It was one P.M. on a Saturday. Maybe he had work?

Growling at herself, she grabbed her keys and jumped from the car, slamming the door shut and marching up the walkway to the door. No more questions, no more scenarios. She couldn't take anymore. He would accept her or he wouldn't, and that would be the end of it. She ignored the whisper of contradiction.

Sucking in a deep breath of air, hand lifted to knock, the door swung open and the sight before her almost shocked her into losing her balance. Right in front of her was Sesshoumaru in all his glory, hair perfect, and clothes perfect, simply perfect. Letting out the breath in a loud exhale; her eyes never left his face. Working up what miniscule amount of courage she had left, she forced her eyes to his, shock and fear clearly in hers.

He had smelled her, but couldn't believe it, he couldn't bring himself to entertain the thought even for a minute, but the smell kept getting stronger. Growling in rage, he strode to the door with a look frustration, angrily berating himself for allowing this weakness. It smelled as if she was right on the other side of the door, taunting him, luring him, only to deceive him. Yanking the door open, he wasn't prepared for what met him.

There she was, hair in slight array as usual, deep brown pools wide and raspberry lips spread slightly in surprise. Oh Kami, he groaned to himself, she smelled so _real_. Never would he admit it out loud, but he was terrified to move, for she may dissolve and vanish before his eyes. Shocks electrocuting his heart into hyper mode as her eyes met his, his thoughts began to move faster than he ever thought possible. Was she real? What was she doing here? Oh thank Kami! Kami, he missed that smell. He couldn't keep up.

Eyes never leaving hers, he gripped the door handle his hand still held. Every nerve ending in his body was standing on edge, waiting for her words, waiting for her to prove she was real. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her fingers twitch as they always did when she was nervous. Everything slammed into him at once, and he had little time to think of the repercussions as he grabbed her and pulled her into his arms so fast that if he hadn't been holding her head, it would have flung back with the force.

Gasping, with no time to react, she was surrounded in warmth, his arms tightly around her. Eyes wide, she stood rigidly in his hold, too shocked to react correctly. For the time being, every worry, every doubt, and every fear fled her body in one solid move. Unsteady with the change, her fingers gripped onto his arms, body shaking with the force of her feelings. She was home.

She didn't know how long they stood there, door wide open, cold air not daring to touch them as they clung to each other in shared desperation. His reaction astonished her to the very core and left her breathless and thoughtless. This was something so important, more vital than anything she had ever known. This was peace, even if it couldn't last forever. That thought started another round of shaking, her eyes blurring slightly with regret. She didn't want him to let go. Kami, she never wanted him to let go again. Those fears, however, were forgotten once again as he very gently gripped her chin, almost as if she would break. Lifting her head up slowly so her eyes met his, she had no warning before his lips crashed against hers.

She was real, she was here, had come back. He couldn't get passed those thoughts as he held her close to him, greedily taking in her scent as though he were a starving man. Kami, he had missed her, more than he thought before. The ache of the past six months grew far stronger before washing away with the feel of her. He didn't remember her feeling this good before.

Smelling the beginning of her tears, he felt the reality of the situation sink in. He didn't want her to leave, didn't want her to let go ever again. Scared he would hurt her, scared he would scare her, he lifted her head to see her eyes with the utmost care. Noticing the tears swelling, his kiss was desperate, pleading. Growling softly into her mouth, her taste sent him spiraling in a high of ecstasy, crashing when he felt her shudders and felt her tears spill over her cheeks. These weren't happy tears as he had hoped.

Pulling her mouth away from his, her chin away from his hold, she pushed lightly against him, not having strength to do much more. Consenting to her unspoken request, he moved back from her slightly, eyes confused and worried. Closing her eyes, she tried to stop the flood, but could no sooner stop a hurricane. Feeling him again, tasting him, holding him, there was no hope to control her emotions.

She had so much to say, so many things to explain, and didn't know where to begin. The words slipped from her mind, hiding away from her reach. Fear of an entirely different species held her captive, forced her into silence, and pleaded with her not to tell him anything. Fears of losing him once again, fear of his disgust. Kami, she could read his eyes again, and as contradicting as it was, she wished she couldn't. It would only hurt more.

Reaching his hand up, he silently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, waiting as patiently as he could for her words. He was scared. All he wanted was to have her back in his arms, and nothing she could say would change that, nothing. He would have her back. There was no question about the matter. Seeing her open and close her mouth, he slid his fingers from her ear to her cheek bone, softly caressing her smooth skin.

His touch warmed her, but it made her feel so dirty in the same breath. She was filthy, didn't he see that? Didn't he see her guilt? How could he not see what she had become, a failure, and a criminal of the worst kind? Wincing, she tilted her head away from his fingers, a soft sob breaking the silence of the house.

Slowly retracting his hand, he found himself struggling to hold off the shudder her sob drew from him. Able to count the number of times she cried in front of him on one hand, the stability of his mind was put into jeopardy at her gasping breath. Everything in him ached to pull her into his arms, but he was far too terrified that she would crumble if he touched her again. Still fighting to find the right words to speak, she looked scared herself. Not being able to hold off any longer, he moved his hand to touch her once again.

"Please don't!" She couldn't stop the pleading cry, she tried, but it was a hopeless fight. She didn't deserve his touch, at least not until he knew the truth, not until he knew it all. "I'm sorry Sesshoumaru." Taking in deep breaths, she brought broken eyes up to his and tried to share her feelings without words, because the words were too confusing even to her.

"Kagome.." Sesshoumaru started, but as soon as her eyes met his, he couldn't find enough breath to continue. Never before had she had that look, never before has she had even the smallest amount of pain in her eyes, and that look held worlds of it. Claws and fist tightening around his heart, it beat rapidly trying to dislodge the hold. Breathless, his voice came out as a whisper. "What happened to you?"

She never knew she could break so fully from just one question, but she did, Kami did she ever. Gripping onto the outside door handle to hold herself up, her eyes held nothing in, she was sure her body was losing all of its water. Jagged breaths separated her sobbed words, as she tried to make him understand. "I'm sorry, so sorry."

That fist tightened, and there was no hope of dislodging it now. The sight of her so utterly shattered broke every part of him he had left. Kami, what happened to her? How he wished he could hold her, how he wished he could be her comfort. Voice raw and pained, he could hardly get out his words. "Kagome, it's alright. It was my fault for you leaving; I know that, there is nothing to apologize for."

Shaking her head rapidly, Kagome rasped out words she wished he could just understand. "No, I lost it Sesshoumaru. I failed. I am so sorry, Kami I am so sorry. I know you can never forgive me, but you need to know, you need to know." She was aware she was rambling, but the pain crushing her left no room for her to care.

Confusion took over his being. His heart was before him, sobbing, her heart breaking, and he couldn't even figure out what was causing the pain. If it wasn't about her leaving, then what was it about? What could make his kind hearted, life loving heart this way? "Lost what Kagome?" He hated asking it because he knew it hurt her to answer his questions, but he could never help if he didn't know. However, he would never be prepared for the answer he got.

"Our baby." Her voice was a whisper as her eyes shattered all over again with the confession. It took every piece she had left not to collapse to the floor with the words. She didn't want to do this anymore, she didn't want to be here, Kami, she didn't want to hurt him.

Nothing seemed to work anymore, his mind shut down and his heart stalled at those two words. Staring at her blankly, his mouth refused to move for some time, the silence only filled with her gasping sobs and chanting of I'm sorry. Shaking his head minutely, his voice was monotone. "Pardon me?"

Closing her eyes for a long moment, she opened them and met his gaze straight on, never wavering. She needed to see his reaction, needed to know whether to run or stay. "When I left I was pregnant. I went to Sango's and while I was there, about two months into the pregnancy I had a miscarriage." At the last word, her voice cut off and she had to take a moment to breath before continuing. "I failed and I lost our child." Saying the words out loud to him wounded her far more than she ever thought they would. They seemed too real.

She was pregnant when she left? She had a miscarriage? Every sentence she said repeated itself in his mind, not being able to make sense of it. Staring at her, not moving, he fought to understand. Minutes passed before the information fully sunk in to his skull. His first reaction was to laugh, if he would ever do that normally, but the look in her eyes said it wasn't a joke. Why couldn't anything be a joke with this woman?

The severity of the situation finally slammed into him, creating an indent that would never fade. Anger rampaged through him, sadness cheering it on. Eyes bleeding, his hands clenched tightly, ripping away slices of his skin. The sharp tang of his blood did nothing to ease the oncoming reaction. Voice harsh and unbelieving met her ears. "You lost our pup?"

Nodding, she couldn't control the way her chest caved in at his reaction. "I'm sorry."

How stupid was she to ever think he wouldn't hate her for this? She didn't even tell him, and now she shows up, tosses the news at him. How could he not hate her? Her breath was beaten out of her when her chest caved in, feeling as though someone punched her in the stomach. She was falling and hope was to blame. Kami, she despised hope.

Shaking with the force of his anger, he couldn't stop his fangs from growing to a dangerously sharpened length. He knew he wasn't angry with her, but he couldn't halt the anger itself. Their pup died before it had a chance to live. Their pup was taken from them before he even got the chance to know it, even know about it. Refusing to lie to himself, he couldn't honestly say at this point if he blamed her or not.

Growling out the words, blood pooled to the floor. "Sorry?"

With that one question all her fears came to life with shocking speed, a tunnel forming around her vision with red lights blinking rapidly at her. Run. He hated her, he blamed her, and his eyes said it all. He was close to a full transformation for Kami's sake. There was no hope. She couldn't deal with the emotions that conclusion brought on at the moment, her heart and soul going numb as protection against it.

Rushed words, tears mixing on the floor with the blood, she forced out the words. "I can't do this. Kami Sesshoumaru, I'm sorry." With those words, she whipped around and ran towards her car, praying she wouldn't fall in her unsteady state.

Seeing her go, every part of him screamed for him to stop her, for him to tell her not to go, even for him to grab her and hold on for dear life, but he couldn't move, couldn't speak. Even as his mind yelled and pleaded for him to talk, the words staining his tongue, nothing came out. He watched her get into her car and drive away, and he watched her disappear. He couldn't move; nothing was listening to his brain. Heart breaking, mind overworked, breathing was becoming difficult. She had been pregnant and had lost the pup and he wasn't there for her.

She went through it all alone, and now that she came to tell him, he blamed her even if it was for a second. He should have known, would have known, if he had been paying attention to her before she left. He would have been able to smell it. He didn't. She suffered all by herself, and even now as he stared out into the sunlit drive way, he couldn't move.

It was all too much to take in, too much to process. Guilt, regret, and horror took him captive first, before pain, anguish, and misery encased him. Stepping numbly out into the yard, his energy swirled sporadically around his form, his face changed into the muzzle of a dog, huge fangs included. Suddenly, the large ball of energy shot into the air, with him inside, and slammed back to the earth. Once the energy hit the ground, he was in his demon form.

Wasting no time, he bounded off into the forest, the opposite way Kagome went. He needed time to think. Following him was the heart wrenching howls of a father losing his first born.

END

A/N Thank you for reading! I am working a lot, so it may be another few weeks before chapter four! Please stay with me!


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